tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24889004921025952852024-03-05T00:45:39.654-08:00Welcome To My WorldNicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-39238807976184438912014-04-09T08:18:00.000-07:002014-04-10T08:22:14.877-07:00Fighting Fair <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">Lately I’ve been coaching a
lot of people in how to fight fair. We all have conflict in our lives but there
are few people who can have a conflict <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i>
protect connection at the same time. It is difficult and it requires
discipline, but I’m here to tell you that it can (and should) be done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">Let me start by saying there
are dynamics one should be aware of before entering a conflict, argument, or a
heated disagreement. We all have lenses through which we see the world and of
course, they are all different lenses, no two are the same. We are shaped by
personality, birth order, gender, culture, and many more factors. I believe
strongly that no one should accuse another of having a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wrong</i> lens, it just may be very different from yours. It’s your job
to try and understand the other person’s lens, not to change it or criticize
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">There are communication
styles that we all have, from blunt and harsh to soft and indirect. Some people
have a really easy time setting boundaries, and for some that is the scariest
process in the world. Some people know exactly what they need, and others just
know how they feel. Some people are internal processors and some are external
processors. Learning how to bridge these gaps is essential to healthy
communication. Let’s start with some ground rules:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">I cannot control other people. On a good day I can
control myself, but controlling others isn’t even an option. I can hope to
influence others, communicate with others, and at times set boundaries – but I
refuse to try and control someone else.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Agreement cannot be the goal of communication;
otherwise we create a winner/loser dynamic. In that scenario, people tend to
just take turns winning and losing (or in some situations, one person always
wins and the other always loses). No need to take turns being powerful! You may
have to learn compromise and negotiation, but even in that process you can
still both wear the pants in the family (or the relationship)! <i>(By the way I hate that saying, who wears
the pants?)</i></span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">We all come to the table with our ideas and mindsets
of what is “normal”. Everyone’s normal is different. What was normal to one
family may be totally foreign to another. Check your judgment at the door when
seeking to communicate. Bring an open mind and flexibility – this is crucial</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Assertive communication is the healthiest; it is clear
and not clouded, it is strong but not aggressive, it is honest and not
manipulating.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Own your own message, don’t look for comfort in
numbers by saying something like: “The whole office agrees with me on this, you
should not leave your dirty dishes in the sink.” It’s very tempting to use this
crutch, but all it will do is make the other person feel defensive and ganged
up on, it’s not productive. Instead, you could say “I’d prefer that everyone be
responsible for their own dishes after lunch, do you agree?” or “I would
appreciate it if you could be responsible for your own dishes after lunch.”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">“You” messages will almost always make the other person
feel judged and defensive. “You” messages foster disconnection. “I” messages
let the other person know what is going on with you, for example: </span><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I’m _____ can you _____? I feel ______ when
______. I’m unsure of how I should respond
to you when _______. I’m not feeling understood right now, I need to know I’m
being heard.</span><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">I can tell you all day about me, how I feel, how I see
things, how I like or don’t like something. But the moment I start to tell you
about you, I’ve become an amateur mind reader and I’m assuming I know exactly
what you’re thinking, which is arrogant. </span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Learn the art of asking questions. Questions can
diffuse a situation and they can make the other person feel understood. Example
of a good question to ask: “I’m sensing you are angry, did I do something to
upset you?” A bad example would be: “Why are you so mad at me?” or “Why are you
such a jerk?”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">People have different needs when it comes to how they
receive an apology. Did you know there is a quick test you can take to find out
how you need to hear “I’m sorry?” These five minutes will help you tremendously
in resolving conflict: </span><a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/" style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/</a></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Learn to develop the side of your personality that is
weak in order to be a more effective communicator. For example, if you are
dominant, learn to be a better listener. If you are passive, learn to be more
forthright. If you’re unsure, learn to be more confident, if you’re stubborn,
learn to be more flexible (and the list goes on).</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Learn to express needs and feelings instead of demands
and criticisms. </span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">People are continually mistreated for one reason and
one reason only: because they allow themselves to be. Unsafe people need
boundaries and limits. Boundaries protect your sanity, your heart, and your
overall well-being.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">Healthy communication is
scary because you have to be honest and transparent - in other words, it
requires <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vulnerability</i>. What many people
tend to overlook however, is that unhealthy communication is scary and painful
too, with no hope of resolution. When we hide who we really are we become
imprisoned in a mask of deception. We feel powerless in that place, stuck, and
victimized. Healthy communication requires courage, but it also has great
rewards. Every time you offer truth, every time you ask a sincere question,
every time you communicate a need you are establishing a routine that grows
connection and protects connection. As human beings we were at our core created
and hard-wired for connection with each other. Without connection we die,
emotionally and physically. It’s rough to find out you’ve been sabotaging the
thing you desperately need because you didn’t know how to grow it or protect
it. But it’s never too late to start learning!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 16pt;">Healthy communication is a foreign
language to most people. It takes practice, repetition, and practical
application to really sink in. Try not to be frustrated in the beginning if you
can’t remember the “rules” or if the words seem to come out fumbled and clumsy.
Over time, you will become proficient and comfortable with the more healthy
approach, especially when you begin to see the fruit of connection all around
you.</span></div>
Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-36154439431572810872012-12-30T11:34:00.003-08:002012-12-30T11:34:30.661-08:00"I Don't Have Bad Days"
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I was sitting in church one
morning about five years ago when my pastor, Bill Johnson, said something that
stirred me (and not in a positive way). He said, “I don’t have bad days.” I
instantly became irritated with the thought that someone could claim such an
unbelievable ability to “<i>not have bad
days</i>.” How is that even possible? Who would dare to make such an arrogant
statement? When service ended that day I felt miffed and frustrated. I knew my
pastor well enough to know that he meant what he said, and he wasn’t being
irresponsible. However, at the same time I felt like he was dangling an idea in
front of me that gave me false hope, for how could I ever get to a place of
such peace and confidence? In 2012, I was able to answer that question for
myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Last spring Jon’s parents
came to visit us and that day in March started like any other. I poured myself
some coffee and sat down to check my emails. When I saw I had an email in my
inbox from our landlord, I winced wondering what she would have to say. As I
opened the message, my heart sank when I read the words “I am sorry to have to
say this to you, but due to unforeseen circumstances we are going to need to
move back into our house by summer.” Ugh. Jon was at work and I dreaded having
to tell him that we just got kicked out of our home. And by summer? Really? How
are we going to round up a down payment to buy a home, in the same school
district within a few months time? And if buying isn’t an option, how will we
find another rental in the same school district? My mind was racing with
questions that had no answers. Our last move from California had put so much
strain on our family, we were not ready to be stressed like that again, and
only a year and a half later. I wrestled with discouragement, hopelessness and
a little bit of panic all while surrounded by my parents, kids, and what was
supposed to be an enjoyable spring break. Just as I found myself nose-diving
into despair, I heard a still small voice, one that was very familiar and
comforting say to me, “It’s too early to call this <i>bad news</i>.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">All of a sudden I felt hope
arise. I didn’t know what that phrase meant, because to me this was clearly bad
news, but I went with it. I decided that I would really listen to it, and
ponder what it meant. I then had an idea of how to present the “news” (I
dropped the bad part for now) to Jon. I called him when I had a moment alone
and said, “Ok, this is going to sound bad, but before you make a decision about
whether it’s bad news or not, just know that I felt like God said everything
would be alright.” He hesitantly said slowly, “Oooookaaaay….what is it?” I
proceeded to tell Jon about the email I got and he didn’t take much time to
hold back from categorizing this news as “bad.” He was instantly upset and I
could feel him take the same nosedive of despair I had begun to take about an
hour previous to our conversation. I just repeated myself and said, “I know
this feels bad, and I know this raises a lot of questions for us and I know it
feels overwhelming, but let’s just try and meditate on what He said to me,
let’s just try…” Jon put forth his best effort for the next few days, but it
wasn’t easy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">As I kept turning over in my
head the different options we had before us, everything would feel swirly and
confusing. What does this mean? Does it mean we made a mistake to move to
Kansas? Should we leave? Should we buy? Should we rent? Should we choose a
different area to live in? Should we try and get all of this done before our
annual summer trip to North Dakota? Should we just put all our stuff in storage
and live at the farm for a while? Questions, questions, questions, too many
options to know what to do. So I did what I always do in that situation, I sent
out my SOS email to several friends that I trust and respect. I asked them to
pray, and I didn’t tell them why. I wanted to hear what God might say through
them without influencing their thoughts or prayers with all of our worries and
questions. What happened next was such a special moment for me, I will never
forget it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">While several friends
responded with great encouragement, one friend answered with such clarity I
instantly teared up. She called me and basically said she felt really unsure
about what she was about to say, but was going to say it anyway. She then went
on to explain that as she was praying for us that morning, she just kept
hearing the words “putting down roots, it’s time to put down roots and make a
home…” There was more but that was the basic message. It is my absolute
favorite thing in the world when God answers you that clearly. I knew in that
moment it was time for us to buy a home and put down permanent roots in Kansas.
Knowing it and doing as it turns out, are two very different things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">The first thing we found out
in our hunt for a home was that interest rates had dropped to historic low
numbers. This meant for us that the homes we could not afford when we first
moved to Kansas were well within our budget now. That is something we would
have never looked into had we not been kicked out of our rental. The second
thing we found out was we were going to need to come up with about 20,000
dollars in order to qualify for a mortgage (even with excellent credit). That
is something we did not have just sitting around. After much thought we asked
someone we have good relationship with if we could borrow the money and
thankfully for us, they said yes. Hurdle number two was down. Now, for number
three; finding a home in a very small area that fit our family’s needs, fit our
budget, and kept our kids in the same school district. That hurdle was pretty
high I found out as the house hunt continued. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Up to this point I had been
able to really believe that getting kicked out of our rental at that particular
point in time was a “God thing.” But as every day passed and no houses were
presenting themselves, I started to waiver. Then I got a cold and hit a low
point physically and emotionally. I was in bed most of that day when I sent out
another one of my SOS emails. This time the email only went out to my Dad and
Jon. I just told them that I had hit a low point, my resolve was weakening and
I could feel discouragement and despair threatening my peace once again. I
remember thinking, “Are you sure God? Are you sure about all of this? Because
right now I am questioning all of it.” Within about five minutes everything
changed, once again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I was on an automatic email
list with a realty company in the area, and as I was lying there, sick in bed I
saw it! The perfect home for our family! It had just been listed that very hour
and I immediately called our realtor to set up a time to see the house. I told
her I was sick in bed but I would get up and get ready to see this house, I
knew it was <i>our house</i>. The viewing
was set for 6pm and I eagerly sent Jon the link. He was sold, and just as
excited as I was!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">When we pulled up to the
house our realtor wasn’t there, and the carpet cleaners were still finishing
up. There wasn’t even a lock-box on the door yet so I guess they didn’t expect
appointments that early. Our realtor mistakenly thought we were talking about a
house down the street so I called her to meet us at the right house. When we
walked in I saw there was still food cooking on the stove and felt bad that we
had interrupted their meal. It didn’t take long for Jon and I to do a quick
walk-thru and both say in unison, “We’ll take it! Let’s put in an offer right
now!” Long story short, we were the first offer of several over the next 24
hours – and since we were first ours was accepted. Not only was this house in
the school district we wanted, but it was beautiful, the closing dates worked
out perfectly for our timeline, it was tailored to our needs, and it was going
to be <i>cheaper</i> than our rental! There
was so much joy, so much peace and so much relief, I truly understood in that
moment why God had said to me months before, “It’s too early to call this <i>bad news</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">He knew it all along. He knew
what he had planned for us, He knew what kind of dreams coming true were
awaiting for us just around the corner. What if I had lamented all those months
and stressed and worried and given myself an ulcer over such “good” news? And
then it hit me, that phrase that Pastor Bill said years ago; “I don’t have bad
days.” I finally really understood what that meant. So many times we hear news,
or information if you will that we categorize immediately as “good” or “bad.”
If we categorize it as bad, everything surrounding that information forms
negative energy that settles in all around us and sucks the peace and joy from
our life. I am not speaking about tragedy, or accidents, or death. I am
speaking about the reports we hear on a daily basis about work, about school,
about finances, about weather etc. etc. I realized there are many things in
life I interpreted as “bad” upon hearing it, but how did I know how it would be
turned for good if I would just wait, and see what He could do with it? I
decided at that point in time to add a new category called “neutral.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Whenever I get a report that
seems negative (outside of obvious tragedy), I have disciplined myself to put
that news into the neutral category and take it to Him in prayer. Then today,
as I was reading one of my all time favorite books, The Shack, I read my
revelation in beautiful words that explained perfectly what we had been through
last year: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">“[Speaking
of reports or “news” we hear on a daily basis] They are neither bad nor good;
they just exist. Here is something that will help you sort this out in your
mind. <i>Paradigms power perception and
perceptions power emotions.</i> Most emotions are responses to perceptions –
what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false,
then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your
perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms – what
you believe. The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you
see clearly. But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than me. (The
Shack, pg. 199)”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">This new way of thinking
altered how I did life in 2012. As I stand at the precipice of 2013, I’m
excited to put into practice my new theology of “I don’t have bad days.” It’s
not denial, it’s not a refusal to look at reality. For example, we experienced
terrible loss in the month of December not just as a nation, but for us at a
personal level as well. Tragedy is in our midst and there are days that grief
and sadness engulfs us and the tears don’t stop. But even in the midst of those
days, my paradigm remains the same. God is good, He loves me, and there is
still beauty and joy and life worth living outside of this tragedy. When I look
at the tragedy through that paradigm, my emotions don’t fall into hopelessness
or despair. I may feel the sadness at a very deep level, but I still have hope
and I find the resolve to heal and keep choosing love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I’m not going to say that I
have mastered this, oh no I have not. I am far from it. But I finally can say
that I understand it, I value it, and I am working towards the reality that I
no longer have “bad days.” I hope you will join me in 2013 on this journey of
hope, resolve and courage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-6784759198291514312012-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:002012-10-08T13:47:30.513-07:00Some of What I’ve Learned in 35 Years (in no particular order)
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">1. Beauty is WAY overrated.
It’s not something you earned, or fought for, or discovered or created. How I
wish our culture did not put so much emphasis on a random biological process
that none of us have any control over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">2. (on that same note) </span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: LucidaGrande; mso-bidi-language: EN-US;">The 400 lb woman thinks the 200 lb woman is lucky and has nothing to
complain about. The 200 lb woman looks at the 150 lb woman and thinks she is
beautiful and wishes she could be her. The 150 lb woman looks at the 120 lb
woman and thinks she is perfect. The 120 lb woman sees nothing but flaws when
she looks in the mirror. It's madness I tell you!!!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">3. Life is simply too short
to exercise more than 40 minutes a day (unless you’re on the show The Biggest
Loser). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">4. Eating healthy as a
lifestyle is the way to go, but I will always make room in my diet for the
naughty things! Bacon, candy corn, fried cheese curds, mini donuts, yeah you
guys will always have a special place in my heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">5. Marriage is one of the
hardest and one of the most rewarding things in life you will ever experience.
When you find someone who will be your greatest advocate in the world, and you
are his, that my friends is worth any fight, any drama, any sleepless night and
all the work it takes to get there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">6. You can never take back
something you said. But, if you don’t take risks and say some things that are
on your mind and make some mistakes, you never learn which things are important
to say out-loud, and which things you should just keep to yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">7. I believe in living with <i>some</i> regret, but only if regret can be
the catalyst you need to change, do better, be better, grow and clean up your
messes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">8. There are a rare few that
will be in your life forever. For all the rest of the people that come and go,
hurt you, make you smile, make you laugh, break your heart, its all a part of
the process. Embrace it all because without the negative experiences, we really
would not be able to truly value the positive ones. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">9. Take the time to interview
the older people in your life. Ask them; what was a waste of time? what did they
wish they would have done more of? what were their victories and what were
their failures? Learn from it. I once heard someone say write your ideal obituary,
and then work backwards from it. Don’t be a passive human being. Live
intentionally! Happen to <i>your </i>life,
don’t let life just happen to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">10. Whether you feel like a
creative person or not, we are all born with a form of art that we are to present
to the world. Each one of us carries inside the ability to do something unique
and special that no one else in the world can do like we can. What is your art
that the world is waiting for? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">11. Pay attention to the
movies, the commercials, the poems, the books, the greeting cards and the
quotes that make you tear up, they will lead you in the direction of your
destiny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">12. Every morning when you
wake up and have your coffee or your tea, think about how the grass is plenty
green on your side. A thankful heart cannot be a depressed, discouraged or sad
heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">13. Today, a real woman is
powerful. She may have been born with a loud, strong personality, or a quiet,
shy personality. Either way she should own that and be true to herself. She may
have been born with a lean athletic build and gorgeous eyes, or a short frame
with freckles and beautiful teeth. Either way, she should own that too and be
proud. A real woman today might be president of a nation, or a stay-at-home
mom. The point is that now she has a <i>choice</i>.
This woman isn’t yet modeled in media or advertising as much as we would like,
but she is all around you. She’s at the grocery store, she’s your neighbor,
she’s your sister, she’s your classmate, she’s your boss. It’s our
responsibility to make sure this is the model we are teaching our little girls
from here on out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">14. People with secrets never
have true peace. It’s so much better to get your failures out in the open, talk
about them in your words, from your perspective. No secrets = freedom. Freedom
= the ability to love openly and live powerfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">15. Choose your battles
wisely. Some things are worth fighting to the death, and some things are not
your problem. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">16. Never work harder on
someone else’s problems than they are willing to work on themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">17. Watch more funny movies,
you tube videos and read more far side books. Life is too short to not spend at
least 50% of it laughing! And if you’re husband is funny, that’s a bonus! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">18. When life presents
extraordinarily difficult circumstances – fight back with extraordinary
gestures of courage and strength!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">19. The quickest path to self-deception
is when we ignore the still small voice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">20. It will never be about
what you did, how much you made, how well you did in a career. It will always
be about who you loved, how well you loved, and who loved you. Period.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-29919441205713708932011-06-14T07:35:00.000-07:002011-06-14T08:03:09.473-07:00Building a Solid Inner Circle<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I used to believe that certain people just had a "right" to be in my inner circle. Like, the fact that I've known them for 20 years, or the fact that they were my parents, or my siblings, or grandparents (and the list goes on). But over time I realized that family means so much more than just sharing a last name or the same DNA. And just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean they are healthy. It was probably in my late twenties I realized I have a choice on the matter. </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> decide who </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> want in my inner circle, and here are my guidelines for that position:</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">1. Can I share my dreams with you?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">2. Can I share my victories </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">and</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> my failures with you?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">3. Do you work as hard at being healthy as I do?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">4. Do we share similar basic core values?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">5. Do you have depth to you or do you live at the surface?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">6. Are you trustworthy?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">7. Can we run together or is one of us always running ahead of the other one?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">8. Do you believe the best about me, even when everyone else doesn't?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">9. Do you have permission to change my mind, and do I have permission to change yours?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">10. Would you fly across the country tomorrow to help me if I needed it?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes you may only find one other person that really qualifies for that inner circle position. I can't imagine having more than 10 that would. This is an elite group of special people in your life. This is your core group. You can trust them with your life, and they can trust you with theirs. And every once in a while, your inner circle group may change. For example, the inner circle you build during your college years may need to be updated in your 30's. Sometimes there is a natural separation that happens due to life circumstances. And sometimes people start out safe, and then just drop the ball later on - it's sad, but it happens. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The most important thing to remember in building a solid inner circle is no one has an automatic right to be there, it is a position earned by someone who can carry your heart well. The choice is yours, choose wisely!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-65575963428449231992011-06-07T11:02:00.000-07:002011-06-07T12:41:50.532-07:00MARRIAGE CHALLENGE: Working to Understand Each Other Instead of Changing Each Other<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I had a vivid dream last night about a young married couple I know. Basically, they were struggling with something I would say was a very common problem in relationship. The wife is a go-getter, capable in many ways. She is focused, organized and lives life fully. The husband is fun loving, out-going, always makes you laugh and is the life of the party. He is also responsible, but maybe not as driven as the wife. In the dream, they were beginning to get very disconnected because all his charm was now annoying her. She couldn't laugh with him anymore because her needs of being taken care of were not being met. She was starting to feel like the mom in the relationship, instead of the lover. He was beginning to feel resentful that he couldn't be himself anymore. It was like all of a sudden she wanted him to change personalities. Also, his parents were beginning to feel like the wife was trying to change their son, and they didn't like it one bit. They were feeling protective over him and they were accusing her of being controlling and bossy. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">When I woke up I thought "what would I say to them if they were sitting here having coffee with me this morning?" And that's when I decided to write a blog to address this issue as I feel it is something that so many people struggle with. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">When the honeymoon stage wears off, we suddenly realize that the thing that attracted us to our spouse to begin with is now scaring us. His fun loving ways now feel childish. You begin to wonder if he can ever take anything seriously? Why can't he keep a budget? Why can't he be on time? Why can't he grow up and drive this ship with me instead of me having to come behind him and constantly clean up his messes? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">He's thinking why can't she be spontaneous? Why so serious all the time? All those things that irritate her are </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">not</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> a big deal. Let's save the nit-picking for things that really matter in life. I'm faithful, I'm a good guy, why can't I earn her respect? Why do I always feel like I'm in trouble?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">They are both right, and they are both wrong. Bottom line for her is she needs to feel safe. She needs to know her husband is capable of leading. She needs to know that if she disappeared for a week, the house and finances would not crumble to the ground. She needs to feel like she can lean on him. And when those needs are met, she loves nothing more than to kick back and laugh and have fun with him. That is what drew her to him to begin with. She actually doesn't want to change his personality, she just wants her needs met. She needs to learn how to communicate need instead of lashing out in anger or communicating constant frustration. Here is a good tool to keep in mind when communicating a need:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Right way: "I need to feel __________."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Wrong way: "I need you to __________."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">When you communicate what you need to feel, you are believing that he is capable of creating a game-plan on his own, which creates a culture of freedom. But when you tell him what you need him </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">to do</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">, it feels like orders, which creates a culture of control. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">For a man the best response when you hear what your wife needs to feel, is to embrace her and tell her that you hear her, and you will do your best to meet that need. And then if you really don't know how to go about that, here are some good questions to ask her:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. When I have not made you feel that way? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. Can you think of things I've done in the past that have made you feel that way?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">If you still need help in figuring out how to form a plan - call in reinforcements! Do you have sisters? Do you have older couples in your life? Do you have a pastor, counselor or buddy who seems to know what he's doing with his wife? Ask more questions until you get it right. Your effort alone will mean worlds to her and you might just get those needs met along the way.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Ladies, the best way to get a man to rescue you is to be a princess in need of rescue. One of my favorite blogs on this topic is "Princes Don't Rescue Dragons." If you want him to move towards you, you can't breathe fire! Often times we skip fear and worry and move straight into anger. Speak up before you become the fire breathing dragon. Learn how to be vulnerable and communicate need instead of demands. And do your best to stay out of the parenting role. You may think you have no choice, but the more weight you carry the less he has to do. Keep putting weight on him, he can handle it. He may not get it done the way you want, but he can get it done. Take a chance and loosen the reigns, this is a partnership not a dictatorship. You can either fight to get it done your way, or you can fight for a marriage, which do you choose?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I hope you gained some insight from reading this, and I'd love to hear your successes if you've tried some of these suggestions and they worked to get you connected again.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-40700827314378723782011-06-03T10:58:00.001-07:002011-06-03T11:41:06.550-07:00Passive Women & Pushy Men<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">My all time most popular blog was Passive Men & Pushy Women. Because there was so much interest in that scenario, I decided to flip it around and address the other side. Here we go...</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">PUSHY MEN</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I'd like to start with the strengths of a pushy/aggressive/ambitious man. He is a true leader, he doesn't take no for an answer. He is strong, he is powerful, and he demands respect. He is a producer, he can get results. You know he will get the job done. These are the CEO's of the world, the presidents, the leaders, the conquerers the pioneers and the winners. But along with that big personality can come some pretty big constraints. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Because a pushy man finds so much identity in achievement and success (and in being right), he will often leave relationships in the dust in order to pursue the next big thing. He most often chooses a nurturing, quiet, solid and steady woman as his helpmate because she is everything he is not. Early in the relationship she will try to set boundaries with him, and he will squash her efforts - which later on down the road will cause a painful amount of disconnection and disrespect. He is often critical of his spouse, children and friends. No one ever feels good enough around him because bottom line is nothing ever</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> is</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> good enough (in his eyes). A pursuit of excellence becomes a perfectionistic rigid way of life. His high standards leave him alienated and isolated. Pushy men will protect ideas instead of people. In many environments they are the predator and they hurt those around them often. They are obsessive about details which makes them good at their job, but a lousy family man. Often times he thinks that everyone in his family is thriving because no one ever confronts him. But what is really going on is people in his family are dying and they are retreating to silence. They have just given up hope that he will ever change and they have accepted the fact that he just can't hear the truth. Also, you simply don't want to argue with a pushy man. He will turn it around on you so fast that you end up apologizing </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">to him</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> for something </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">he</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> did wrong. Living with a pushy man is one big double standard. He can always do it (whatever "it" is), but you can't. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">PASSIVE WOMEN</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Ladies, I'm not going to let you off the hook even though you're in a tough position. Here's the thing about living with a pushy man. He acts that way, </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">because you let him</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. Early on in the relationship he communicated to you that his needs were more important, and you believed him. It is in your nature to give and not ask much in return. But in doing so you have created a monster. I can't tell you how many women I know who ended up in a relationship like this only to find out 10 years down the road (when she finally explodes like a volcano) that she really did have a voice all along. And the moment she actually set a real boundary, that pushy man responded in love and respect. See, he is strong, and he will run you over if you let him. But what he really wants is for you to be strong too. He may fight it at first, but he will respect your strength. In fact, it will inspire him, intrigue him, bring him in closer. Because you are such a supportive personality you are a safe person when it comes to confrontation and boundaries. You can do "tough love" better than any other personality. You have an emotional compass inside of you. You know when things aren't fair, when he's pushed it too far, when he is out of line, and when he is out of control. But for so long you have ignored it, and some of you have defended it, even made excuses for it. "He works so hard, he has all these problems, I don't want to add to them." I've heard them all. So do you want to enable him, and lose any hope for real connection in marriage, or do you want to do the healthy thing, and teach him how to treat you well? Dr. Phil always says "you teach people how to treat you." I'm a firm believer in this. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Ladies, don't be the martyr. Don't be the victim. You may not carry the same drive he does in life, but if you don't develop the strong side of your personality you'll never see the results you want. A pushy man wants a safe, nurturing woman but he also wants a powerful helpmate that will run with him, at his pace. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Over the years you may feel like too much damage has been done. Some of the cuts may be too deep. But with the help of a counselor, you can heal. Your marriage can heal. You can develop the strength you need. You may need the help of a strong coach in the beginning who will pull your pushy man aside and say "hey, NOT OKAY!" Don't be afraid to pull in help in the beginning. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And my closing thoughts to a pushy man - you can be "right", or you can find love. Which do you choose? Which one will you find more rewarding in the end? You have the tendency to get out of control real fast. Will you have to lose everything before you learn how to develop your constraints? Or will you learn to value other people, and believe that they are just as important as you are? Your identity needs to be in what you bring to others, not what you can take or conquer. You were born strong, but not so that you could run all over people, it was so you could bring protection to the world. The world needs your strength, but in your strength you're called to serve, not dominate. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And for both men and women, no matter what your personality is, no matter your age or you circumstances please don't ever stay in a dangerous, abusive relationship. Get out, get help, and know that there is hope!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-52162293199816482762011-06-01T09:33:00.000-07:002011-06-02T07:41:43.793-07:00Some DOs and DONTs in Marriage<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Today I'm just speaking from the heart. Jon and I have been coaching some couples lately and also hearing stories of marriages that seem to be crumbling as we speak. I'm not an expert, I'm just a woman who has been pursuing deep connection with a man for the past 11 years. And here are some things I've learned and observed along the way.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. A good marriage is possible for anyone who is willing to work for it. I believe it's harder and more painful to not work for connection. People are always looking for an easy button, but the truth is short cuts and complacency often bring torment into one's life. It's easier to move towards each other than away from each other. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. Stay connected to what made you attractive in the first place. Ladies - don't get frumpy!!!! I understand that life can get overwhelming and we all deserve days without makeup and high heels. A good man will love you through many different stages in life. But it is your responsibility to inspire your man with your beauty. Keep things exciting, reinvent yourself, put effort into being beautiful - inside and out! Guys - don't stop chasing your lady! You're a hunter at heart. If you become a bump on a log you are shooting yourself in the foot. Watch a few Brad Pitt movies to jump start some passion. That guy knows how to get a woman's heart beating! And, if you're already on that side of the spectrum - learn </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">loyalty</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">. Affairs and flirting may seem exciting. But long lasting covenant love is the stuff that truly satisfies.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">3. Don't make the kids the center of your world. How many people have done that, and when the last one leaves the house the marriage is null and void? Your kids need you to be connected. They need to know that they have a solid anchor to settle into. They need a model of love that they can take into adulthood. Kids also need to know the world does not revolve around them alone, that is not setting them up for reality. Kids will feel more secure and happy if Mom and Dad are connected. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">4. Create a culture of respect in your home. Last time I checked, sarcasm and disrespect were </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">not</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> on the list of aphrodisiacs recommended by sex experts. It should be you and him against the world, not you and him against each other. Fight for that! Don't let resentment and frustration and misunderstanding drive a wedge between you and the one you're meant to do life with. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">5. Nostalgia can stir the embers of passion. One thing that always helped Jon and I during the "rocky" years of disconnection was to sit down and talk about what made us fall in love in the beginning. It's important to talk about those things often. It's important to remember what brought you together. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">6. Learn each other's love languages. This is a great website and a great book to read: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">7. Don't take your spouse for granted. There are broken people out there roaming to and fro, waiting to steal your spouse from you and prey on your marriage. You need a plan to make each other feel safe. Talk about your concerns, set boundaries with people who have the wrong intentions. The number one problem I see in this area is a "nice" husband who thinks he is just trying to help another woman, and then it comes back to bite him in the you-know-what. Husbands listen to your wives warnings. We have a 6th sense about women who are predators. The other problem I see running rampant is when you work too closely with someone of the opposite sex. I've said this before in previous blogs, under no circumstances do I think it's wisdom to spend that much alone time with a member of the opposite sex that is not your spouse. Men - hire male assistants. Women - hire female assistants. Why risk your marriage for something that is so simple to avoid?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">8. Find things to do together. Have date nights. What you protect and invest in will flourish. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">9. Bring in people who have a good connection, and ask them some dang questions for Pete's sake! A little humility will go a long way when it comes to learning about relationship. I know men who will spend hours studying for fantasy football, or hunting, or fishing, or some other hobby. But how many will pick up a book on relationships? How many will study their wife with the same intent? You find a man who will do that, you find a very happy marriage. Ladies, bring some intrigue to the table. Be an interesting subject to study. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">10. And lastly, do </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">something</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">. Move one foot in front of the other, baby steps! There is always something you can do to cultivate an atmosphere of love and trust. Some have a lot more work to do than others but it is so worth it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-18087213583095879162011-05-09T17:29:00.000-07:002013-12-18T09:01:46.099-08:00What is Your Unique Factor?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Before we can identify your Unique Factor*, we first have to define it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">A Unique Factor is, simply put, the thing that you do better than anyone else around you, and therefore makes you unique. Your Unique Factor (from here on out referred to as UF) should energize you and those around you. You will have lots of opportunities to practice your UF because people like to make room for you and give you a platform for your UF. Over time, you have the authority to lead in your UF and teach others in your UF. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Your UF is so close to you and familiar to you that you may not be able to appreciate it or even identify it by yourself. A great way to find your UF is to ask three of your closest friends or relatives to write three sentences about what makes you </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">unique</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. What do you bring to the table that no one else does, or what do you do better than anyone around you? Once you have received all 9 sentences, you should see a common theme emerge. If you don't, it's ok, I still have other ways to help you find it!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">For some a UF emerges by the time they are 4 years old. Justin Bieber would be a great example of this. I saw his movie "Never Say Never" and it was clear by his home videos that at a very young age, that boy </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">knew</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> he was born to make music, and to sing his heart out. If you read the book Outliers (by Malcolm Gladwell), you'll read story after story of people who ended up being highly successful in life, literally investing 10,000 or more hours into perfecting their UF. And many of them started investing those hours at a very young age.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">However there are some of us that take a little longer to identify our UF. I'm in my mid-thirties now and I feel like I'm really just beginning to understand and define what I was born to do, and what makes me unique. I think some people know at a younger age because they have to start pursuing it sooner, and some people can develop it over time, even into their 50's and 60's and beyond! And let me add here that while your UF remains uniform through out your life, the way you manifest it can change from decade to decade. For example, if your UF is that you are a builder, at the earliest stage it may look like a toddler who's obsessed with legos. Then it may develop in your 20's as a career of building houses. Later, in your 30's and 40's it may change into you building systems that will transform your city. So at the core of who you are, you were born to build. But </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">how</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> and </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">what</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> you build may change through-out your lifetime.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">There are so many personality tests out there to help us identify our UF. In many of them they even match you up with careers and hobbies, mates and parenting styles. Here are some of my favorites: (all of them are free and safe to sign up for)</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.disc-personality-testing.com/test/index.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3333ff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://www.disc-personality-testing.com/test/index.html</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3333ff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3333ff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Also, the book "Strength Finders" is very helpful in determining your UF.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Here are some questions I've learned to ask people along the way that helped point them to their UF;</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">1. What are the desires of your heart?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">2. What things inspire you and move you to tears?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">3. Who are your heroes?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">4. What are your dreams?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">5. Where do you have favor?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Now, if you are still having a hard time identifying your UF, I'd like to give you a possible reason why. A great number of people are born to play more of a supportive role in life. They don't have a strong passion or talent because they were born to help someone else's dreams come true. If this is you, in </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">no</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> way should you feel inferior or less than. Your role is just as crucial as the one who has the dream or the strong UF. For example, who would Oprah be without all those people serving her vision? Who would Steve Jobs be without the people serving his vision? Those who were born to support and serve are crucial to the process. Visionaries would never see their dreams materialized if it weren't for this amazing group of people. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">As I begin to wrap things up, I want to talk about people who have spent time pursuing the wrong dreams, or the wrong UF. It can happen to anyone, and the reasons are numerous. It can be as simple as "I studied elementary education but now I feel called to high school students." Or, it can be as devastating as some of the catastrophes we see on the American Idol auditions. Some of those people are not only on the wrong track, they are </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">terrible</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> at what they are attempting to do better than anyone else. However people get off track, I feel the best way to protect yourself and stay true to your real purpose in life, is to surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth, to maintain a teachable heart, and to</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> know thyself. </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Because you will not be great if you are pursuing the wrong dream or the wrong UF, but you will always be great if you can line up with your God-given destiny, the thing that </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">you</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> were created to do on this earth.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Lastly, I want to leave you with some examples of UF's other people have identified in their own life:</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to live extremely frugally and stretch a penny for all it's worth</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to preserve memories thru scrapbooking, video and photos and/or journaling</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to see patterns in mathematics that no one else sees</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to read people and have the answers they need for life's problems</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to know things that no one else can sense (sometimes people call this a 6th sense)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to cheer people up no matter what they are facing</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to reach youth and communicate with them in a way that transforms them</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to write and inspire people with your written words</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to wait things out longer than anyone else, (endurance) therefore enabling you to get what everyone else gave up on</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">the ability to make people feel welcome in your home (hospitality)</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And the list goes on, I hope these gave you an idea of what a UF can look like!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> *The concept of the Unique Factor originated from a favorite teacher of mine, Lance Wallnau. Over time I have taught it and developed my own ideas to go along with his.</span></div>
Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-63607775823966220952011-04-04T18:23:00.000-07:002011-04-04T18:30:36.887-07:00Beauty Blog #1 - I Promise To....<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I just finished watching “America The Beautiful”, a documentary about America’s obsession with outer beauty. There wasn’t much that surprised me. I already knew things were bad. But it did inspire me to write. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I’ve written before about the myth of beauty, and the dysfunction of unrealistic beauty (photoshop-ing, airbrushing etc.). I think this time I really just want to talk about how we can change it within our own lives. I always considered myself to have a healthy self-esteem. But when I read a book recently called “God Loves Ugly, & love makes beautiful”* written by my friend Christa Black, I realized that I still have a lot of negative self-talk and negative energy surrounding the topic of my body. And now after having four children, it’s on my mind even more when I see my stretch marks and the scars of going through those pregnancies. So if I, who considered myself to pretty much like my body just fine, realized how much I still struggle….it got me thinking about those out there who have extremely low self-esteem, or worse, self-hatred. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Don’t get me wrong ladies. I know we all want to be beautiful. We like our fake nails, our colored hair, our MAC makeup, or a nice tan every now and then. Some of us have a few pounds we want to lose or 100 pounds we want to lose. Some of us have some cosmetic surgery we hope to get or some work with the orthodontist or the dermatologist. I understand that we all enjoy enhancing ourselves. And I’m not against any of those desires if they stem from a healthy place of “I love myself.” </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What frustrates me so much about our culture is that the definition of beauty is so narrow and so unrealistic that it causes many women to have self-destructive behaviors. Listen to this short excerpt summarized by me from the documentary mentioned earlier: Prior to 1995 the country of Figi had not been exposed to television. Their body image was opposite of ours here in America. To have a larger body, and to have some significant size was a symbol of prosperity. It meant that your tribe was able to feed you well. Before exposing them to television, the young women of Figi were interviewed to find out how many of them had used vomiting as a form of controlling their weight, and none of them had admitted to such behavior. In 1998 after 3 years of exposure to television, that number rose from 0 to 11%. 11% is comparable to any high school here in America….</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">shocking</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Also in the documentary, 3 minutes of looking at a fashion magazine makes 70% of women of all ages feel depressed, guilty and shameful. I can attest to that! Thankfully I have never purchased subscriptions to these magazines and therefore paid </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">them money</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> to make me feel depressed!</span></p><!--StartFragment--> <!--EndFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I think we’ve been fed lies for such a long time that we don’t know the truth anymore. One answer I propose for this problem is to promise something every week. The challenge is to choose something that bothers you, and vow to change your mind until your negative emotions change to positive emotions. So, here is my promise this week; “I promise from here on out, whenever I look at my stretch marks, to think fondly of each one of my children and a special memory I have of their birth.” </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">(and nothing else, no negative thoughts!!!!)</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> I’m going to practice thinking those thoughts until it becomes as natural as breathing. I hope you join me!! I would love to hear your promise in the comment section of this blog!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">*I highly recommend this heartfelt book by my friend. Check out the reviews on amazon.com and order it, you won’t be disappointed!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://christablack.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000099;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://christablack.com/</span></span></a></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000099;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><a href="http://www.amazon.com/God-Loves-Ugly-Christa-Black/dp/0615416403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301964263&sr=8-1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000099;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://www.amazon.com/God-Loves-Ugly-Christa-Black/dp/0615416403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301964263&sr=8-1</span></span></a></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-51385141974131320642011-03-30T11:14:00.000-07:002011-03-30T12:09:57.669-07:00Handling Stress in a Healthy Way<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I recently received some ideas for new blog topics. One of them stood out to me as an important thing to address, dealing with stress. I think it's important to talk about stress because it is something that each and every person struggles with, no matter who they are, how old they are, male or female, rich or poor, we </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">all</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> deal with stress. Some of us deal with it better than others! </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">For me personally I have found that there are a few things to remember in order to be able to deal with stress well. The first thing I had to learn was how to live life from a powerful perspective, vs. a victim mindset. Just because you have a string of bad things happen to you, or even a series of horrible things that happen to you, it doesn't mean you are a victim for life. You can still be powerful in the midst of really difficult circumstances. Pain and hardships are not the end of the world. Learning how to stand and face my problems helped me feel powerful in life. Whenever I run away or avoid or try to cover up pain, I find myself acting like a victim. But when I stand my ground and ask for help, and deal with things head-on, I feel powerful, even when things don't go my way. </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Practice living life powerfully.</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What makes you feel powerful?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Next, I learned to "know thyself." It is so helpful for me to have studied personalities for so long, that I not only understand what makes me tick, what motivates me and what scares me, but I also know those things about the people around me. Because I know myself really well, I know my limits. I know what I need, I know what will bring me joy. I've learned to listen to the signals my body sends me. When you develop habits of taking care of yourself, you are more prepared to handle stress well. I know that mundane routine wears me down. I know that I have a high need for change. I know that trying to keep my house really clean is near impossible with 4 boys. I know that I am no good to anyone before 9am. I know I love to cook but I hate to do dishes. I know that every once in a while I need a piece of bacon to feel satisfied. I also know that if I ate bacon every day I would be 200 pounds. I know that writing is an outlet for me, and I know that when I'm cooped up in the house too long with all my kids, I'm not the best mom I can be. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What do you know about yourself?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And lastly, it's important to know that no matter how hard you work on things, no matter how much you develop yourself, and no matter how many things you think you know there will be times of crisis where we are literally living in survival mode, just trying to keep our heads above water. In times like those I think it's so important to just give ourselves a break. Grace is what I cry out for in times like that. I give myself permission to temporarily melt down. I cry, I complain, and I say life is not fair. And at 34 years old, I still have weeks or even months when I live in survival mode. What do I anchor into when I'm in survival mode? I tell myself three things. The only thing that matters to me is that I come out of this season with my connection with God, my connection with my family, and my connection with my close friends </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">in tact</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. Nothing else matters to me, not my weight, not my finances, not my goals, not my house, not a career, none of it is as important as my relationships. I lean heavily on others in seasons of survival, and I don't hold myself to high standards of performance. Survival seasons are </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">not</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> seasons to discipline yourself or accomplish new feats, or set new goals. It's not the time to evaluate yourself or grade yourself. It's simply a time to HANG ON, and GET THROUGH. Kind of like the song "if you're going through hell, keep on moving!"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Some people live in survival mode for years, and some people live there indefinitely. Take a look at your life. If you feel like you've been in survival mode for too long and need help breaking out - reach out and start pursuing something better for yourself. Our bodies were not designed to be able to handle the chemicals that get released when we are stressed long term. Not only will you feel worn down emotionally and mentally in extended or indefinite seasons of survival mode, but your body will start manifesting physical symptoms as well. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And lastly I'd say peace is my most effective weapon in handling stress well. When I focus on all that is going right instead of the things going wrong I feel peace. When I think about how much my husband loves me, I feel peace. When I count my blessings, I feel peace. When I slow down I feel peace. When I take a step back and look at things big picture, I feel peace. When I talk to my best friend I feel peace. When I cuddle with my kids I feel peace. And let's all just be real here, when I have a glass of wine, I feel LOTS of peace! All in moderation people, moderation!!!!! When I encourage people and counsel people I feel peace. When I make the world a better place, I feel peace. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What brings you peace?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-10001805767446140532011-03-14T09:54:00.001-07:002011-03-24T14:01:20.857-07:00Sex and Covenant<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">For generations people have been preached at about sexual sin and sexual behavior. But I think a new perspective and a new approach needs to be brought to the issue of sex and covenant. I want to take you back to the beginning, the original design, the template of what God had in mind when He started. We were all created for intimate relationship, with each other and with Him. It's what we yearn for and we are not complete without it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">If you read the bible as a novel and really take it in "big picture", you'd see that it is a love story between God and mankind. At it's most basic form it is a love letter to teach, inform, romance and protect us. But so many view it as a rule book, a book of judgement, a book of criticism, and a collection of stern warnings. I often think if I had to be separated from my kids, what kind of letters would I write to them? My letters to them would look a lot like God's letter (the bible) to us. And I know the tone they would hear when reading would be a tone of love, compassion, protection and hope. I have had to re-train myself to read God's word with that tone, vs. the tone I was taught to hear in the church growing up. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">When I was young I had a distorted understanding of sex. I knew for certain I was not supposed to have sex outside of marriage but without the true understanding of why, that rule was easily broken. If your only inspiration for not doing something is because someone told you it's bad, it is terribly difficult to uphold that rule. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">So, back to the beginning of the story...In the beginning God created Adam, and they walked together and had relationship. In that initial time they spent together, God could see that Adam needed a mate. He needed someone that was created like he was to share his life with, so God created woman. God took a rib from Adam's side and created Adam's counterpart, Eve. Then God gave Adam and Eve sex as a way to bring them back together as </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">one</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. Sex was designed for two people to connect at an intense level, and it was given as a way to create life, and it was given as a way to manifest the love they had for each other until one of them or both of them were no more. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">At the core of who we are as women we need to feel safe, protected, and committed-to, to really flourish in a sexual relationship. When we participate in casual sex or sex outside of covenant, we are betraying ourselves. In our quest to get love, we give sex, and that leaves us ravished and devastated. The feeling is strong in the beginning, it is a sick feeling that leaves you empty and vulnerable, unprotected and stripped bare. But if you try hard enough, you can ignore those feelings, or suppress them temporarily and continue betraying your heart. But...there are consequences. There are addictions that will show up, or therapy sessions, or silent cries in the night when you betray the original design. "No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man is the verdict on your soul. (Dear sister, how many of you have lost yourself in this search?)" - quote from the book "Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John & Stasi Eldredge. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">At the deepest core of who a man is he is wired to bring strength, protection and love to a woman. When he engages in sex outside of covenant and takes from a woman something that he did not pay for in commitment, he becomes extremely challenged in the ability to give all that he was born to give. He takes on either subconsciously or consciously the role of a predator, taking instead of giving. In doing this he betrays his heart and his design. As a result, men will either feel a deep remorse, shame and guilt, or, they will feel a deep resentment towards the woman who could not ultimately validate him. He does not feel like the hero, he feels like a failure. He will either run away and continue his quest with the next woman, or he will stay and make an attempt to "love" the woman he is with. But it is not a natural intimacy, it is all manufactured. It is "love" that comes forth from the will of the mind vs. love that is an unstoppable flow from the heart.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">There is no question that God designed a man to be inspired by a woman's beauty. He created arousal, he created femininity, and masculinity. He created them to be primally drawn to each other. A woman can awaken a man's sexuality in a way that no other experience on earth comes close to. This is the stuff that wars are fought over. These are the feelings we all long to have. A woman wants nothing more than to melt into the strong arms of her lover. But our primary and core validation </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">has</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> to come from God first, until it does we can never be satisfied by sex or by the opposite sex. The second qualification of being in unity with the original design, is to understand and believe that covenant (or commitment) is vital to the health of a sexual relationship.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Sex inside of and protected by healthy, faithful covenant is one of the most beautiful things a man and woman can experience. Under the umbrella of covenant a woman feels sheltered, safe, completely open and known. In her heart she feels respected and cherished. There is no competition, no fear, no emotion of being taken from. It feels </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">right</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">, in order, in harmony with the original design. She knows she is beautiful, she knows she is worth fighting for. Under that same umbrella a man feels strong, inspired, romantic and motivated. He is powerful in what he can bring to the relationship. His heart is not tainted with thoughts of compromise and he is at harmony as well with the original design. He knows he has what it takes to be a man and he knows he is the hero in his story. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">To abstain from sex outside of marriage because you are afraid of breaking the rules, or you're afraid of shame or condemnation, (or std's, or unplanned pregnancy) is very uninspiring and it is ineffective. But to protect that gift until you've found loving covenant for life is an electrifying challenge. To understand the original design for sex and to really embrace the very highest plan that God has for you is hard work, but the reward is unbelievable. For those who have engaged in promiscuous sex in the past, there is hope to have a different relationship with sex and covenant. There is hope to discard your old ways of thinking and betrayals of the heart, and there is hope to embrace a new way of life. I speak to you from the other side of a story that started out very painful for me. Despite many mistakes my husband and I made in the beginning of our lives, we are now experiencing God's original design for sex and covenant. What we are walking in now inspired me to write this blog today. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I challenge you to see that all those scriptures about sexual sin and sexual behavior in the bible are not there to take away from you, or to limit your pleasures in this lifetime. They are there to show you that sex within covenant is such an amazing experience that there is an intense war over it. The enemy of your heart would come to kill, steal, and destroy any joy that would come from sex. Our enemy has done everything in his power to pervert it, compromise it, disfigure it, and sabotage it. So wouldn't it make sense that the lover of your soul would leave you tons of advice, guidance and direction to protect it and keep it safe? Sometimes there is so much freedom released to us when we see things in a new light. I hope this blog has done that for some of you today. I hope it has brought some understanding, some freedom, and some peace to your soul on an issue that for some, can really be very sensitive and full of questions and confusion. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Resources for more on this topic:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Wild At Heart - Discovering the Secrets of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Captiviating - Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul by John & Staci Edlredge</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Love & War - Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed of by John & Staci Eldredge</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Moral Revolution movement: http://moralrevolution.com/</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Loving On Purpose Ministries: http://lovingonpurpose.com/</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-68821397989048971792011-01-23T08:49:00.000-08:002011-01-23T09:38:06.648-08:00The Three Stages of Love<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Jon and I will be married for 11 years this year, that is pretty amazing. And I have noticed throughout the years that our love has evolved and grown. Looking back I can see there were different stages along the way.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">First stage - Ignorance is bliss!</span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I love everything about you, because </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I don't know you</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">! There are things that draw me to you, there are things I see that I like, but really you are a stranger to me. It's the mystery or the idea of who you are that I have fallen in love with. I have only begun to scratch the surface of who you are and what makes you tick.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Second Stage - What did I get myself into?</span></b></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Most people are married by this stage, but some hit this stage outside of marriage if they remain dating or engaged for a number of years. This is when things begin to unravel and the mysteries begin to get solved. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Now, the thing that attracted me to you is driving me crazy! Our differences are painfully obvious, and most of the time I'm convinced you switched personalities on me! The things I thought were cute are now annoying. The things I thought were inspiring now scare the crap out of me, and most of the time I wonder how it's possible that we were so madly in love at one point, wondering if we can ever get it back. This is NORMAL. A </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">lot</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> of couples go through this stage. This is all a part of getting to know your spouse. It is so very normal to be attracted to a man because he feels safe, and loyal, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is passivity and disconnection. It's normal to be attracted to a woman's flare and passion for life, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is impossible standards and expectations. Relationships put pressure on us all. And when the pressure is on, we get to see what we're made of. When we were single these things did not necessarily manifest in our life, because living with someone everyday in the covenant of marriage shows you what's deep down in there. And we all have weaknesses deep down in there. We all have things that need to be developed, shaped, chiseled and transformed. It's a process to work through and unfortunately, a lot of couples lose hope in this stage and call it quits. They throw in the towel because they don't know what they are going through is normal, and they don't know about the third stage of love!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The second stage of love is the stage that requires endurance, commitment, understanding each other instead of demanding agreement, and it requires hope. This is where your vows kick in and you decide to dig deep, suck it up, and move forward even though it's not really fun or romantic. This is where you pull in help - counselors, pastors, friends, parents. People who have gone before you and been successful. People who have reached the third stage of love and know what it's like to conquer the second stage. This is the stage where you </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">don't give up</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Third Stage - I've never known a love like this before, so complete and so rewarding. True Love.</span></b></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">This stage is what makes love worth fighting for. This is the stage where I love you because I know </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">everything</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> about you. I have seen the good the bad and the ugly and it makes me want to move towards you. We worked hard, we made it through the second stage, and now we know why, and it is SO worth it. Nobody knows me like you do. I don't have to hide who I am, and neither do you. I accept you and you accept me. We don't demand perfection from each other, but we do inspire each other to be better. I know you are for me, and I am for you. I have one person to live this life with, that knows me and fights for me, and believes the best in me....</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">always</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. This stage is the stuff movies are made of. This is what some would call finding your soul mate. This is intimacy at it's finest. And this third stage does exist. I bet there are more people in the third stage of love than you would have first imagined. I made it, we made it to the third stage. And I want to spend my life encouraging other couples that they can make it too! Dream big for your marriage. If you're stuck in the second stage, let hope rise up. There is true love waiting for you on the other side, if you can just hang in there and work for it! </span></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-16902726373987035702011-01-05T08:33:00.000-08:002011-01-05T08:49:50.014-08:00Raising Up Protectors<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I grew up in a broken home and experienced many hardships as a young woman.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">During my sophomore year of college I became pregnant with my oldest son, Nick.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The guy I was casually dating at the time tried his best to convince me to have an abortion.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Although I was wounded and disconnected in my relationship with God at the time, I knew killing my baby was not the answer.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">God met me in my decision to choose life.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">He sent me an amazing husband and blessed me with three more sons. </span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Our boys are now 13, 9, 7, and 1 years old.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">One thing Jon (my husband) and I have worked very hard at in raising our boys is making sure they understand it is their job to </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">protect</span></i></span><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> women and children. God created man as the stronger one, but not so he could dominate, prey upon, or “take” from his environment.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">God gave man strength so he could cover, protect, and give to those around him.</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">In our society today, many men have believed the lie that they need to look around them and receive identity and strength from things like girlfriends, "trophy wives", positions in sports, careers, and possessions.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">As a result, they become takers, sometimes even predators, looking to “get” what they need from their environment.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What we are teaching our boys is they need to receive their identity and strength from Father God.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">When they spend time in the Father’s presence, they walk away full of love and strength.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Then, they turn around and pour out protection and security to those around them who are vulnerable and in need. They are anchored into an unending love source, and they know who they are. They are learning to be givers and protectors, not takers or predators. </span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">This cycle creates a culture of men who honor and protect the women in their lives, and a culture of men who understand what it means to father their children.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Young men, I challenge you to let Heaven invade your life and receive the revelation of going to God </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">empty</span></i></span><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">, in order to pour out love and protection</span></span><span style="font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> into this world.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Bringing strength to those around you will change an entire generation!</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> The world is waiting for your strength.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Adobe Caslon Pro"font-family:";font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Adobe Caslon Pro"font-family:";font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-84177174354584925222010-12-21T11:51:00.000-08:002010-12-21T12:13:38.590-08:00I Had A Dream...<div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 22px;font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman', serif;"> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">The other night I had a dream, and the interpretation was so clear and made so much sense to me that I thought I'd share with you all.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I was in a school and there was a basketball game going on. I wanted to go in and watch the game, but people told me I was going to need permission first. I went and looked for the guy who was in charge, and he was a normal looking man, except for the fact that he had a clock for a head. When I asked him if I could go in and watch the game, he gave me a very firm "no". He was very arrogant, and very difficult to work with. I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't let me go in. So I went over to the door to look into the gym, and saw that it was just a kid's game going on. In the bleachers were parents (whom I recognized). I decided there was no reason I shouldn't be able to go in there. My friends were in there, I should be able to go! So, I went in! Afterwards I went with my friend to this spa where we were going to get these special showers with these amazing massaging faucets and showerheads. My friend went first, and when it was my turn to go in I heard a staff member outside my shower knocking and asking me to leave. I was like "What? I'm not leaving I'm going to finish my shower!" But they insisted. Turns out the "clock-head" guy owned the spa, and he found out I was there. Since I didn't listen to him in the gym he was going to make sure I paid by making me leave the spa. I was outraged to say the least.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have found in my years of dreaming and interpreting my dreams, that sometimes dreams have more than one interpretation. In one season it may mean one thing, while in the next it may mean something totally different. Sometimes I get the interpretation immediately, and sometimes I never get one at all. This was one of those dreams I had an immediate interpretation for. It felt like a representation of my <i>battle against time</i>. I feel like time is <i>always</i> trying to dictate where I go and what I do. I realized when I had this dream that I would <i>not </i>let time bully me around anymore. And that has been a huge revelation for me.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">This is a short blog, but I hope as you read you feel inspired to not let time dictate to you anymore where you go or what you do. Since having this dream I keep singing the song in my head "time is on my side....yes it is!" And I have decided to really embrace that idea. There were some things in life that have been on my "to-do" list for years now. And I was beginning to feel like I would never accomplish them. But I no longer feel that way. I have decided my 30's are going to be about pursuing those things and accomplishing those things, even if I had pre-conceived notions that it was already too late to do them. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What will you decide to do, now that time can't tell you what to do anymore?<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:22.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:TimesNewRomanPSMT;font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--> </span></span></div></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-22052712885368136722010-10-13T11:24:00.000-07:002010-10-13T11:48:16.545-07:00Hopefully this blog answers all your questions about our move!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I thought I'd write a brief summary to explain why we are moving the end of this month as everyone keeps asking me individually and I can't remember who I've told and who I haven't. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Jon and I moved from St. Paul, MN in 2003 to start a new life in CA. Back then we didn't know what we wanted to do when we "grew up". We were still searching for the things that mattered to us, and there were things in CA we wanted to pursue. While we were here we discovered so many things about ourselves. The first thing we found out was that we were very disconnected as a couple, and we needed help to fall in love again - and stay in love. We didn't know there was a better way, or how to be different. And now that we know what it's like to be connected on a daily basis, we can't imagine going back to the old way. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">We learned how to be different parents. We realized that kids need to feel powerful too, and that by giving them choices and giving them the respect we would like as adults, we can remain connected to their heart through out their life. We also learned that kids are professional mistake makers, and it is not our job to keep them from making mistakes, but rather helping them navigate their way through it when they do. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Jon learned that he has a passion to be a business owner, not just an employee. So since 2004 he has been part owner in a financial investment company. Changing his mindset from an employee to an owner was an adjustment for the whole family. You don't just clock out at the end of your day when you're an owner. He has grown so much and learned so much that he is ready to pursue even bigger dreams in the business world. In 2008 the majority of our company was bought out by a group called "Mariner Wealth Advisors" in Kansas. The CEO of this company is the adopted son of the man who started Pizza Hut, so you can imagine he has a lot of wealth to manage. His vision is to build a company that provides every imaginable tool and product to help individuals, families, and corporations manage their wealth. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">We are still minority owners in the company and our partners are spread out all over the place, some in WI, some in CA, and now some in Kansas. We are the only ones who were able to move to Kansas to strengthen this new partnership with Mariner. So, we're going for it! </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I learned that the things I'm most passionate about are social justice issues, and coaching people on relational issues. I have several different things I'd like to start pursuing when we get to Kansas. I have been thinking about going back to school for photo-journalism. I love taking pictures and I love writing, and I love talking about things that need to change in our culture. I also look forward to volunteering at crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies. And because of connections we have, I'm kicking around the idea of volunteering to be on Sam Brownback's campaign (senator of Kansas, soon running for governor of the state). </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">So, a lot of change for the Franklin family coming. I will miss the mountains, I will miss the ocean. I will miss the AMAZING warm winters here. I will miss the dear friends and mentors we met. I will miss my house that we poured so many hours of blood sweat and tears into. But I am excited for the change, for this new season that is opening up before us. I'm kind of digging the idea of seeing Jon in a suit and tie every day as well, there's just something about that look....eh hem....ok back to the blog. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Oh, and the other question I get asked all the time is, how do the boys feel about this? Well, they are not super excited and they are bummed to say goodbye to the life they have here. Which tells me we did a good job of building something good for them. And, that also tells me that we can do it again in a new place. I keep encouraging them to be hopeful for the future. There are good things ahead of us. Yes, it is difficult to say goodbye to the things you love. But change can be really good, and this could be an amazing adventure for our family. So, they are accepting the idea more and more everyday. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">That is the update on our lives and what is coming for us in the near future. We close on our house end of the month and plan to be packed up and on the road by Oct. 29th. We appreciate your support for us, and we'll keep you updated as much as we can!</span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-44791778885661065802010-09-11T15:31:00.000-07:002010-09-11T16:20:15.112-07:00Why You Should Care About Sex Trafficking in AMERICA<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The other day my best friend met someone who was creating a documentary on sex trafficking in America. She sent me the link to that documentary. Today I clicked on that link and now it looks like I have another reason to fight for justice (as if I needed another battle!). </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Their story: </span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> In 2007, a group of students embarked on a journey through 20+ nations on every inhabitable continent, motivated by their love for photography and their passion for justice. At the outset, their experiences seemed diverse, even random. However, a common thread of human suffering would soon emerge as their travels exposed them to a dark, seldom discussed side of humanity-- children being bought and sold to satisfy the sexual pleasures of other humans.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">As I scrolled through the different <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">webisodes</span> I became glued to the screen. I was definitely aware of the problem in this nation and other nations, but their work is superb and their perspective is fascinating. They are taking people behind the scenes of the porn industry, the prostitution industry, and the modern day slavery operations. It's real, it's raw, it's eye opening and it will be a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">phenomenal</span> documentary.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This is going to be a trend in our country. There is a "transfer of influence" coming to this nation. The young people are rising up and finding their voices, and they are using their gifts and talents to expose corruption and atrocities. People will listen to them, and they will change our culture. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">It seems like recently all I can really watch and focus on are documentaries. Documentaries are really the next "big thing." The power will no longer belong to deceitful politicians that make empty promises. The slanted news networks and journalists no longer hold the power. Religious figures out to make a buck have lost their appeal, and Hollywood's sad attempt at getting people immersed in fantasy has lost it's luster as well. All people are craving now days is what's REAL. REAL information, unbiased information, real stories, real problems and real solutions. People want </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">justice</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">. And justice they shall have!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I want to end with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">webisode</span> that impacted me the most. I encourage you to check out the website and watch them all, but this one was by far my favorite:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><object style="height: 344px; width: 425px" width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/A9kuIBmFdrE?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/A9kuIBmFdrE?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">That man's poetry is powerful. Some lines that are burned on my heart were;</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">"I witnessed images I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">didn</span>’t have a right to and I can’t erase my memory,</span></span></div><div><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">So I have to write you and apologize for taking something that</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I paid for a price but no matter how high <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">shoulda</span> never been mine.</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">...I’m sorry, and that’s all I can say</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">But I promise when I raise a son I’ll raise him to respect you</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Sisters and mothers I’m sorry </span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Husbands sons and brothers please pick up your bats</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Because the women of this world are waiting for us to step up!"</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The website is http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com - check it out!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></i></p><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <!--EndFragment--> <!--EndFragment--> </div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-34701597360140464632010-09-09T10:05:00.000-07:002010-09-09T11:38:45.499-07:00Why I'm NOT the Perfect Mother<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Motherhood - the greatest job in the world, and sometimes the most difficult job in the world. There are so many emotions, ideas, opinions & stigmas that go along with this very important role. I have learned a lot about myself along the way - and just thought I'd pass those lessons on.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I was the first born in my family which immediately gave me a leadership role full of responsibility and obligation. First-borns tend to fall into two different categories personality-wise: *compliant, nurturing and caregiving OR aggressive movers & shakers. I was the latter. I did my duty with babysitting my siblings, but only because I had to, it was not my natural instinct to want to mother or nurture. All through high school I preferred restaurant jobs and administrative jobs over babysitting for other people. When I was young I imagined that one day, in my late twenties or early thirties I </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">might</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> have children. But that was a long way off in my future, and definitely not one of my short term goals in life. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And then...at the age of 20 I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy with my first son, Nicholas. I did not feel ready for motherhood and my life was a mess at the time. My first instinct was to go the adoption route as I had no tools to be a good mother, and I did not want an innocent child to have to enter into the crazy world called my life. However, over time and with the help of loved ones and family, I realized I was ready for this adventure called motherhood. And I'm so glad I said yes to that adventure! I will never forget the waves of love that rolled over my heart and left me speechless and in awe the first time I looked at my son and held him in my arms. I realized that even though the high-nurturing instincts were not apparent in my life up to that point, they were still there in my heart, waiting for the day when they would be needed. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">When that new bliss wore off and the reality of motherhood set in, I realized there were other obstacles I was going to have to face on this journey. Like, the fact that I have a high need for change and can't stand the daily grind of mundane routine. Also, the fact that one of my primary needs in life is to have a significant impact on my world around me (see my blog about the 4 main motivations in life - http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/05/4-main-motivations-in-life-which-one.html). And then there was the day when I took the test to find out which love language I am, and I found out "touch" was not even in the top 3! Kids need a LOT of touch. How was I going to bridge that gap? How was I going to change the world when I was stuck at home all day long changing diapers? How was I going to do the same routine every day without losing my mind? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It wasn't until recently that I realized for the past 10 years I've been (for the most part) operating outside my strengths. All the things I'm bad at, thats what I've been doing for the last decade. No wonder I had doubts! No wonder I felt insufficient. I imagine someone who is high nurturing by nature, has touch as their top love language, and is motivated mainly by connection would feel the same way if all they wanted to do was be at home raising their kids, yet had to work full time outside the home to make ends meet. The grass is always greener right? So even though this motherhood thing has been difficult for me, and not as "natural" as it is for other women, I've also realized that I would have been incomplete without the experience. My kids have taught me so much about life. And I hope I've been able to teach them that we all have strengths and weaknesses, but we shouldn't let the weaknesses hold us back from embracing </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">all</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> life has to offer. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">When I'm stuck in the trench of doing all the things I'm not good at, I think about what makes it all worth it. Like the fact that I have four healthy, smart, amazing young men in my life that continue to impress me every year they are alive. I think about the snuggles, the giggles, the funny sayings, the accomplishments, their personalities, the vacations, the holidays, their futures and the possibilities of all the things that are still to come. Now that I understand myself better, I don't even wish for this part of my life to hurry up and get over with. It will go fast enough, I know. I embrace it fully. The other side will be a new adventure. It isn't going anywhere, it will wait for me. For now, bring on the hugs & kisses, the daily grind, the messes, the homework, and even the part about being hidden away changing diapers instead of changing the world. I'm not trapped, I'm blessed!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">*You can read more about this in the book "The Birth Order Book" by Dr. Leman</span></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-41229059143594564042010-09-03T12:06:00.000-07:002010-09-03T12:25:17.627-07:00Principles of Powerful People Part Three<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">A while back I began a series called Principles of Powerful People. If you want to review part I and Part II, follow these links:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principals-of-powerful-people-part-one.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principals-of-powerful-people-part-one.html</span></a></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principles-of-powerful-people-part-two.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principles-of-powerful-people-part-two.html</span></a></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And here is part III:</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">XI.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Powerful people know how to respect and honor even the smallest and seemingly most insignificant members of society. They take care of their planet, their children, the orphans and the widows, and the elderly. They have respect for animals and the environment, and they are not living only for today. They think multi-generationally. They plan and live for the lives of people they will never know. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">In the movie Food, Inc., one farmer put it very well when he said the following; Joel Salatin: A culture that just uses a pig as a pile of protoplasmic inanimate structure, to be manipulated by whatever creative design the human can foist on that critter, will probably view individuals within its community, and other cultures in the community of nations, with the same type of disdain and disrespect and controlling type mentalities.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Powerful people think </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">community</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">, they are not individualistic.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">XII.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Powerful people don’t wait for justice, they fight for justice. There is one song on the radio today that just irritates me every time I hear it. It’s “Waiting on the World to Change” by John Mayer. Here are the lyrics:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Verdana, serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span></span></p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">me and all my friends<br />we're all misunderstood<br />they say we stand for nothing and<br />there's no way we ever could<br />now we see everything that's going wrong<br />with the world and those who lead it<br />we just feel like we don't have the means<br />to rise above and beat it<br /><br />so we keep waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br />we keep on waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br /><br />it's hard to beat the system<br />when we're standing at a distance<br />so we keep waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br />now if we had the power<br />to bring our neighbors home from war<br />they would have never missed a Christmas<br />no more ribbons on their door<br />and when you trust your television<br />what you get is what you got<br />cause when they own the information, oh<br />they can bend it all they want<br /><br />that's why we're waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br />we keep on waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br /><br />it's not that we don't care,<br />we just know that the fight ain't fair<br />so we keep on waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br /><br />and we're still waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br />we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change<br />one day our generation<br />is gonna rule the population<br />so we keep on waiting<br />waiting on the world to change<br /><br />we keep on waiting </span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: normal; white-space: pre; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: normal; line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">waiting on the world to change</span></span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: normal; white-space: pre; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: normal; font-family:Georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I just don’t agree with this approach. People who keep waiting for change are victims. Everything happens </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">to</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> them, and they stand-by powerless to do anything about it. Why live like that? Why settle for that? If every person used their voice, and their influence, change is easy. I challenge you to never just wait for change. Have the courage to fight for justice! The dominant state of the people will rule a nation. Will we let neutrality and complacency be the labels of our generation? </span></span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">XIII.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Powerful people don’t have addictions, they live a balanced life. Addictions are an indicator that there is an immense amount of pain in your life and you don’t know how to cope with it. So you have turned to a substance or an activity in order to attempt to drown out the pain. The problem with that vicious cycle is pain doesn’t ever go away until you fix why it was there to begin with. It may temporarily retreat, but then it comes back with a vengeance. Powerful people realize that pain has a purpose, and when you take care of the problem that is causing the pain, pain goes away. Pain is unpleasant, but it is not something to be terrified of. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">If you google addiction, you will find this definition in wikipedia:</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 25px;"><i> <!--StartFragment--> </i></span></p><i><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family: Georgia; "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Historically, addiction has been defined with regard solely to psychoactive substances (for example </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">alcohol</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tobacco_smoking"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">tobacco</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> and other </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug_addiction"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">drugs</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">) which cross the </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood-brain_barrier"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">blood-brain barrier</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family: Georgia; "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Many people, both psychology professionals and laymen, now feel that there should be accommodation made to include psychological dependency on such things as </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambling"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">gambling</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overeating"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">food</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">sex</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">pornography</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computer_addiction"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">computers</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_game_addiction"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">video games</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, internet, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workaholic"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">work</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exercise"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">exercise</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, idolising, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, pain, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">cutting</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> and </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shopping"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">shopping</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> so these behaviors count as 'addictions' as well and cause </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">guilt</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">shame</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">fear</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">hopelessness</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failure"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">failure</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_rejection"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">rejection</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">anxiety</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, or </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humiliation"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">humiliation</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> symptoms associated with, among other medical conditions, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">depression</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> and </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epilepsy"><span style="font-family: TimesNewRomanPSMT; text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">epilepsy</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">.</span></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family: Verdana; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; line-height: normal; ">If you could identify with any of those crutches, I challenge you to get to the root of the issue. What is the pain you are running from? Powerful people don’t run away, they stand their ground and have the courage to face the things that are scary. They don’t always do that alone, they ask for help if they need it. But powerful people know that running away is not the answer.</span></span></span></p></i><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">XIV.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Powerful people have the character and integrity to be the same person at home as they are in public. Many times I have witnessed a leader with an important title fail in this area. They have one message when they are in public, yet they live in hypocrisy behind closed doors. I am not impressed with someone’s success unless their spouse, children, best friends and closest colleagues are too. Because those are the people that are around when the cameras aren’t, and that is when your true colors show.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">People who live one way in public and another way in private usually carry a great deal of shame. They may not even be aware of it consciously, but the failure to be true to yourself always has consequences. Powerful people don't carry shame because they have nothing to hide. Powerful people become more impressive the closer you get. I always get really excited when I see someone up-close and personal, and they are who they said they were! It’s rare, but when you find it – it’s a treasure. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The tolerance for hypocrisy is coming to an end. People carry cell phones now that can record conversations and video awkward moments whenever they please. Technology has drawn a line in the sand and has demanded a higher level of accountability and responsibility from leaders. Leaders don’t have to be and never could be perfect. But long gone are the days of faking it. Long gone are the days of pretense and empty talk. This makes me happy because now the genuine ones can step forward and have the influence over culture and over the world that they deserve. They are the ones who have truly paid a price, they are the ones who deserve it. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">XV.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Powerful people understand that unity is not always possible. There are times and seasons for everyone to come together for a common mission. And then there are times when you will be called to “rock the boat” and go against the grain. There is a tension to this principle. On one hand we are called to bring harmony and peace, understanding and tolerance. Powerful people don’t require others to think like them or agree with them. And then on the other hand there are times where we find ourselves in the midst of corruption and immorality where “tolerance” is not the theme to run with. In these moments powerful people have to stand up for what is right, for what is moral, and for what is healthy. The very delicate yet highly volatile debate comes down to the fact that usually both sides feel they are morally </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">right.</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> In the end the winner is either the majority or the loudest voice. Either way, powerful people continue to engage because they care. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-92220595000913461702010-08-25T12:46:00.000-07:002010-08-25T12:48:14.886-07:00I'm Outraged! It's Time to Speak Out!<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The other day I found myself singing along to a song on the radio, not really thinking about the lyrics, just singing along. I must’ve heard the song again last night and decided for some strange reason to google the video. I was absolutely horrified at what I saw. The song was “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem. Keep in mind, I was not put off by the language or by the fact that it was Eminem. I mean I expect that his songs will be vulgar and ridiculous. What horrified me was that the song stood for </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">everything</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> that I am against relationally. The basic premise of the song is that love = pain. And not just the pain of heartache, but an addictive, dysfunctional abusive pain that leaves people devastated and sometimes dead. What???? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Not on my watch. Not in my lifetime. I am taking a stand today against this message, and I’m hoping after you read this blog you’ll stand with me and repost this blog. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">One reason I am outraged is that Eminem took his message to a new level. This video is so Hollywood. It stars Meagan Fox, Dominic Monaghan, Rhiana and Eminem, and it targets young people who still don’t know what real love is. He has gone above and beyond to make abuse look glamorous, seductive and appealing. It’s not. There is no magical deep connection that turns into rage and beatings. It’s a lie. Don’t buy into it!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Love does not abuse, it does not beat, it does not lose control. It is not jealous it is not crazy. Love doesn’t cheat, love doesn’t betray and love doesn’t use you and throw you away when you’re not convenient to deal with. Love doesn’t threaten and it doesn’t punish. Let’s call all this what it is, it’s insanity. I’m going to go through some of the lines he writes to really dissect what’s being said and promoted by all involved:</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">High off my love, drunk from hate</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It’s like I’m huffin’ paint and I love it the more I suffer</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; ">That’s not love Eminem, that’s sick. It’s called self-hatred when you love to suffer, which brings me to Rihanna’s section of the song;</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">That’s alright because I like the way it hurts</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Just gonna stand there and watch me cry?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">That’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Here’s the deal, I believe you Rihanna when you say you like it, because you keep engaging with it, you keep choosing that for your life. It makes me so sad when people choose this, because we all decide for ourselves what we believe we deserve. Rihanna’s not the only one believing this lie, the lie that she deserves burning pain. What I hear her saying is she not only deserves it, but has come to embrace it as something to feel affection for.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Back to Eminem:</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">You ever love somebody so much you could barely breathe when you with ‘em?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You push pull each other's hair, scratch claw hit 'em</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Throw 'em down pin 'em</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">So lost in the moments when you're in them</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It's the rage that took over it controls you both</span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; ">And how is it that you can live with yourself displaying that kind of relationship as sexy, enticing, and enchanting? With great influence and great power comes great responsibility. Your voice holds a lot of power and influence in this culture (Why? I will never really understand…but that’s another topic). Millions of kids, and young adults look up to you Eminem, and you Rhianna. What kind of message are you sending here? What are you telling them, what are you promoting? It is the greatest perversion of love I have seen lately. I have lived this kind of torment. Thank God I got out, I don’t even know how I got out, I just did. I was saved from this by grace and now I don’t have the prison sentence that some have given themselves by living that kind of abusive life from here on out. Because I’m free, I have dedicated my life to helping others be free of it. So, this is personal for me, very personal.</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You may wonder why I bother speaking out. I do it because “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” (Martin Luther King Jr.). To me this video is no different than if he had created one that made child molesters look glamorous and sexy. The picture of love that he has distorted and perverted is an abomination to me. I said this once already, but it goes against </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">everything</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> I stand for. It’s wrong, and someone needed to say it’s wrong. Someone needs to use their voice to fight for what’s right.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes I don’t even fully understand myself why I react so strongly to some issues and not strongly to others. I think I sense at a deeper level when things have the potential to shift a nation, or a culture, or a large group of people. This can be positive or negative. In those moments I will either get behind it or I’ll want to fight it with everything that is within me. I’ve been helping so many couples lately get back on track with their marriage. I’ve been contending for their families, helping them heal from wounds of the past, hoping to salvage what is left of their lives, and then this video comes along. This video screams “we’re so hot, we’re all about what’s hot right now, you know you want to be us, this is the glamorous life.” And I know some will buy into that. Some already have. But please don’t let it be you. Please don’t let it be your friends. This is not reality, this is not truth, this is not love. </span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It’s time for the good guys to win. It’s time for marriages to succeed and for families to heal. It’s time for young women to know they are worth far more than </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">that</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">, and it’s time for young men to rise up and be the protectors they were created to be.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-50313224727280558852010-08-21T11:24:00.000-07:002010-08-21T13:19:17.255-07:00Passive Men & Pushy Women<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ4ihZkVPUFABRbJwLs-j5tZskX8j-LO7OQAYtx0efmM0pI2zR9fnRSKgydCn218ugqRL_D2ERzOipdaGOUJSL0qGH_tphB-qRRMWm39MCyJ-UxwRkwqUTZT4KHEPHuvf8auOSwoF0MgoV/s1600/people_argue.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ4ihZkVPUFABRbJwLs-j5tZskX8j-LO7OQAYtx0efmM0pI2zR9fnRSKgydCn218ugqRL_D2ERzOipdaGOUJSL0qGH_tphB-qRRMWm39MCyJ-UxwRkwqUTZT4KHEPHuvf8auOSwoF0MgoV/s320/people_argue.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5507960146297970114" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><div>Passive Men</div></span></span><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">There are so many classic dynamics that come into play when you talk about "nice guys". We've all known them, we've all dated one, and a lot of us married one. I want to start with the strengths of a passive/nice man. First of all, he is a peacekeeper. He is a nurturer, and he is a protector. He wants all those around him to feel valued and honored, and he cares deeply for those he is close to. He gets along well with many different personalities, and he is not intimidated by the strength or intensity of a woman. In fact, he is drawn to a woman like that. He tends to be a great listener and sympathizes well in difficult situations.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">However, until he has found his identity and knows he is a powerful man, here are the constraints you will run into; because he is a peacekeeper, he will most often sacrifice taking action when someone has been inappropriate or crossed a boundary. People will take advantage of him and in extreme circumstances be abusive with him, and he will accept that kind of behavior from friends, family & strangers. Passive men that are high nurturers can sometimes end up protecting the wrong things. They will protect dysfunction and keep cycles of unhealthy behavior running for years. They do this because they don't know how to protect healthy core values, and set healthy boundaries. Because he wants everyone around him to "feel good", he won't be honest when someone has hurt him or crossed a line with him. He becomes a people pleaser who is disingenuous with his words, therefore not trustworthy. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The woman who married a passive man with the hopes he would never hurt her, well, she has a harsh wake up call when she realizes he is too weak to protect her. It's like hiring a body guard and then realizing you are stronger, smarter, quicker, and more efficient than he is. Which leads me to talk about...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Pushy Women</span></b></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Just like I did above, I'll start with the strengths of a high maintenance/pushy/controlling woman. She is independent and often has ideas that will make the world a better place. She is tough, but the common misconception is she is so tough she doesn't feel pain. She feels pain deeply as well as rejection, don't let the tough exterior fool you. She is highly motivated and can perform well under pressure. She also cares deeply for those around her and feels highly protective over her closest friends and family members. She is perceptive and discerning and often picks up on the more subtle aspects of people and situations that others would miss. She requires a lot of deep connection from her mate and her friends, and her standard for life is very high (for herself and for those in her life).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Having said all of that, if she has never known the protection and true strength of a man she could be way out of control. Because she has so many ideas on how to "make the world a better place", she will fight for ideas instead of fighting for people. Because she feels pain so deeply, she will often use threats and punishment when she feels scared, hurt or intimidated. Performance can become her identity, and she will sacrifice relationships to get to the top. When she can't find a man strong enough to lead her or protect her, she will try to be her own bodyguard, and that is not pretty on a woman. She views vulnerability as weakness. When her discernment tells her something is wrong she can often let judgement and fear dictate her behavior. Because her standard is so high for herself, she can become unreasonable in expectations from friends, spouse and children. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The passive man who marries a pushy woman, his wake up call feels like, "hey - you don't need me to protect you, the rest of the world needs me to protect them FROM you!!" </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">So the pushy woman starts to feel misunderstood, unprotected, abandoned and this unfortunately translates into rage and even more outrageous, out of control behavior. She has chosen to act crazy instead of communicating what she needs. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The passive man starts to take on the identity of a martyr, "look at this insane woman I have to deal with!" He builds a case in his mind that he really is a saint and she just needs to get herself together. He is clueless as to why she has just gone off the deep end, and has no ownership whatsoever that it might be in response to his passivity. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">So what's the answer? I have to give you the short version in this blog. Basically the man has to find his strength, and know that strength doesn't mean intimidation, or over-powering, or bullying or being pushy. Strength can be quiet, but it is firm. It is a wall that can't be moved. It is comforting, it is safe, it is fierce, and it is brave. He has to know that he chose a dynamic, intelligent, bright and strong woman. That choice will require more from him. My family pastor used to say, "If you buy a Ferrari, you better know how to drive it and take care of it." </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">On the flip-side, the woman has to find her vulnerability. She has to know that vulnerability doesn't mean you're weak and helpless. Vulnerability will be the bait that draws him in, it will be the thing that invokes his strongest instincts, to provide and protect. Vulnerability means you know your value and your worth, and you communicate that to those around you. A woman who is vulnerable is one who feels safe and secure. She is beautiful and attractive in that state, and she is most at peace with herself. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Jon is a self-proclaimed recovered Passive Man. And I am a recovered Pushy Woman. Through the years we have been on this journey of finding strength and vulnerability and we can both tell you from experience, the journey has been worth it! Life is better now than it ever has been, and it can be for you too!</span></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-38900702491637210962010-08-19T10:38:00.000-07:002010-08-19T14:35:32.476-07:00Encouragement vs. Flattery<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">This blog somewhat piggy-backs off my last blog. It's all about defining these terms a little better so we are communicating with each other in the most efficient and most genuine way possible. I want to start by using some of the words the dictionary uses to define flattery and encouragement: </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Flattery</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> - honeyed words, sweet talk, smooth talk, buttering up, blandishment, excessive or insincere praise.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Encouragement</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> - inspiration, motivation, support, morale-boosting, championing, promoting, furthering, nurturing, help.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Right off the bat we see which word feels more genuine and more effective. Yet, I think we still get confused as to how and when to use these tools of communication.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">In my opinion, flattery is useless. If it were a literal tool in my toolbox I'd throw it out. There are things you can replace it with that will do the job so much better. For example, if you are using flattery in order to gain influence with someone, like a boss or a leader, you are using the wrong tool. People are perceptive and they will discern very quickly when you are being insincere in order to gain favor. Also, those around you who are at your level will resent your shortcut ways to get ahead. You will be dubbed the "brown-noser" of the group and that is a difficult label to shake once it's been given. Instead of using flattery, use genuine interest (encouragement) and observations to gain influence with people. For example:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"Wow, you handled that meeting with a lot of wisdom, I think I learned a few things watching you."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"You seem to lead with great confidence, I like that about you."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"I find it very easy to work under you, thanks for being a great leader."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The key is to only say it if you really </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">mean it</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. And, choose an appropriate time to deliver your observations. Don't over-do it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Another common scenario where people use flattery is when a friend or loved one asks them for their opinion, and they don't have the heart to tell them what they really think. So what are some ways to get around telling someone the blunt truth that may hurt their feelings? Let's say a stay at home mom decides to take piano lessons for the first time in her life. She plays her first song for you, and it's terrible. Here are some things you could say that would encourage, rather than flatter:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"I think it's amazing that you are stretching yourself and learning new skills instead of just living an ordinary, day to day life."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"I'm really impressed you are pursuing something like this, is it everything you'd hoped it would be?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"Is piano your preferred instrument? Does it bring you joy to pursue this?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Where it gets different and more specific is if this same person says they want to take out a $50,000 loan to cut a new album or start a career as a musician. Then you may have to sit down with them and say, "I'm not sure this is the area you've been naturally gifted in, are you sure you want to invest in something so uncertain?" Or, "To be honest I don't see you having a successful career in music, but I do think you are an amazing parent. You have so much to share with the world in the ways of raising good kids, have you ever thought of developing that more?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Flattery is a dead end. If you tell someone they are good at something they are not, you could lead them on a wild goose chase, or at the very least, allow them to keep believing a lie. Encouragement tells the truth, but in a way that takes the spot light off what "sucks" and puts it on what is amazing. Everyone has an area they shine in. Not everyone was meant for the stage, but everyone has greatness in them. It doesn't take a genius to point out the flaws. A teacher of mine used to say that people are like gold mines. Keep digging until you find the gold. Anyone can find dirt, but why stop there?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">How about the infamous question, "do these jeans make my butt look big?" What do you say if they do? I always like to say, "that's not your best look, I think that other outfit compliments your body shape much better." Or, "Well, your legs are your best feature, so I would wear something that shows them off" instead of "your butt looks huge in that!" </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It feels like people are either like Simon Cowell, and just say what they think without any regards to someone's feelings, or they swing to the other side and they are Paula Abdul saying ridiculous things that don't even make sense in order to be the "good guy."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">My challenge to you is to use balance, truth and encouragement with your feedback. Don't be lazy by just saying the first thing that comes to your mind, and don't be a coward and basically lie to avoid awkwardness. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-15766245971908063152010-08-14T07:58:00.000-07:002010-08-19T14:35:58.684-07:00Constructive Criticism - How to Give it and How to Receive it<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Constructive criticism is one of those topics that can really scare people. I'm sure everyone can remember a time they received criticism that devastated them, or gave criticism to the wrong person at the wrong time, and now that relationship is strained. I want to go over some simple guidelines that will help you determine in the future if it is the right person and the right moment to give constructive criticism, as well as some principles that will help you seek out healthy criticism for yourself in the future.<br /><br />Let's start first by defining healthy, constructive criticism. If it leaves you feeling hopeful and renewed with passion to make something better or try harder - it's healthy. If it leaves you feeling devastated, hurt, torn apart and hopeless, then it's just plain old good for nothing condemnation.<br /><br />2nd - let's talk about who has the right to give constructive criticism, and why should we pull those people into our lives to give feedback and point out the flaws or weaknesses of what we are doing?<br /><br />I have a few hobbies I'm passionate about. One of them is photography. I started out taking thousands of pictures of my kids, and that led to a passion to capture many things with my lens. As I grew in my skill, I would notice other photographer's work that caught my eye, and I would ask a lot of questions. I generally chose photographers who took photos in the genre I was attracted to. I love the farm life, the country feel, the dreamy emotional side to life. I am somewhat traditional in my approach and yet I don't settle for boring. So I wouldn't have gone to a high-fashion, edgy, more abstract photographer to ask advice or to ask for feedback on my photos. It wouldn't really make sense to compare apples to oranges. I looked for people who fell into the same genre as me (not necessarily the same exact style as me). And then of course, I found people who had gone further down the road of success so I could glean from their perspective and experience.<br /><br />The other thing to consider is I am not trying to launch a career with my photography. I cherish it as something that allows me to archive & preserve the best moments of my life, as well as meet my need to create and design something beautiful. So I'm not going to submit my work to the experts of the world and spend hours and hours perfecting and obsessing over it. I take a casual approach, welcoming honest feedback and asking those I </span><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">trust</span></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> to critique. Those I trust would be people who I respect, people who have more success than I do, and people who have my best interest at heart. I would look for those who would want to build me up & not tear me down.<br /><br />Now, if we are talking about something more important in life, like say, a marriage - then the rules change a little bit. I still look for someone who is more qualified than I am. I look for someone who has my best interest at heart, someone who wants to build me up and not tear me down. I also look for someone who falls into the same genre, or in this case someone who carries the same core values that I do, for example: if I am in a more traditional marriage where God is at the center - I would seek a marriage expert that would uphold and give advice lining up with those core values. However, I don't take a casual approach to the feedback I get in this realm. I hunker down, take serious notes, study and listen very carefully. Outside of my relationship with God, my marriage/family is the most important thing to me in this life. That warrants a very intense, focused approach where constructive criticism is not a luxury, it's a necessity.<br /><br />Christians tend to get confused with constructive criticism because telling the truth is not always pleasant or fun. Some churches have a horrible worship leader on stage for years because no one has the courage to say "your gifting is not singing, sorry." It doesn't do anyone any good to tell them they are great at something if they are not. But there are things to consider the next time you give constructive criticism. To summarize:<br /></span><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you an expert or do you have more success and experience?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you comparing apples to apples?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Do you have their best interest at heart?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you seeking to build up and not tear down?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Have you been invited to give feedback or are you just offering?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Do you leave someone hopeful with your style of constructive criticism?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you able to point out the strong as well as the weak?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Is the person asking for feedback looking for casual or detailed and intense?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Is the person your addressing looking for constructive criticism or encouragement?</span></li></ul><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Some things to consider when seeking constructive criticism from others:</span></p><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Do you really want the truth or do you just want to hear you are good at something?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you asking the right people? (those who have more experience/success)?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Were you left with a feeling of hope or hopelessness? </span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What's the intensity level you are looking for, casual feedback or detailed & intense?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Do you invite people into your life to give feedback or have you built your life to be unapproachable? Are you the singer that's been terrible for years but no one has courage to tell you?</span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you seeking out people who carry the same core values to give you constructive criticism (remember - not people who are exactly like you, just carry the same core values)</span></li></ul><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I hope that helps you to begin to view constructive criticism as something that can be valuable, helpful, and even welcomed into your life with the right motive and the right person. </span></p><p></p>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-82335914613887094052010-08-06T14:05:00.000-07:002010-08-06T14:08:56.847-07:00"Reality is just not good enough for me anymore!" (from the movie Inception)<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">*Spoiler alert* Don’t read if you haven’t watched Inception yet!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">As one who dreams often, and vividly (ever since I was a little girl), Inception was one movie I was really looking forward to.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I could tell immediately from the previews whoever wrote this script was a dreamer himself.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">There were so many times they made references to dreams that I could really relate to.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Like, when Cobb says “Dreams feel real while we’re in them.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.”</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">How many times has that happened where, when trying to describe your dream to someone the next day you start saying “now this is going to sound very weird, but in my dream it was normal!”</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Then there was the scene where Cobb takes his protégé to the world that he and Mal built.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I have constructed similar cities in my dreams, vast and empty and abandoned, waiting to be filled with people and ideas.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I have visited old homes I once lived in, and places I have affection for from when I was a little girl.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I have gone up and down the elevators of memories to different levels.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Some are light and bright and full of joy, and some are dark and deep and not often visited.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Another aspect of dreaming that is so true is that you “never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what’s going on.”</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And, “in a dream, your mind functions more quickly.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Therefore, time seems to feel slower.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Five minutes in the real world gives you an hour in the dream.”</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Again, so true!</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I can wake up at 8am, look at the clock, fall back asleep for 30 minutes and feel like I’ve dreamed a whole night’s worth of dreams!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Coming next is one of my favorite parts of the movie.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The strategy for inception in Fischer’s mind:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Cobb:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> “I will split up my Father’s empire”.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Now this is obviously an idea that Robert himself will choose to reject.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Which is why we need to plant it deep in his subconscious.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The subconscious is motivated by emotion, right? Not reason. Which is why we need to find a way to translate this into an emotional concept.</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Arthur:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> How do you translate a business strategy into an emotion?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Cobb:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> That’s what we ‘re going to figure out. Fischer’s relationship with his father is stressed to say the least.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Eames:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Can we fun with that? We could suggest breaking up the company as a “screw you” to the old man.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Cobb:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> No, because I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. We all yearn for reconciliation. For catharsis. We need Robert Fischer to have a positive emotional reaction to all this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Eames:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Well, why don’t we try this? “My father accepts that I want to create for myself, not follow in his footsteps.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Cobb:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> That might work.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I love it! Once again, a key revelation we should remember. A positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. Sometimes we believe the power of negative experiences is the ultimate power. But they tapped into something so true here, true for life and for dreams. Positive trumps negative, </span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">every time</span></i></b></span><span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. </span></i></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Even though their mission was to go in and plant a lie, therefore making the entire mission "evil", they still brought out that huge whopping nugget of truth - and accomplished their evil mission the very best way possible :-)</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I say evil because the other premise of the movie was even when you have the very best of intentions, when you plant a lie in someone's soul, in their subconscious, eventually it will destroy them. Even if you meant it for good, to protect them, a lie is a lie. Lies destroy. So Cobb's experience with inception never did work for good. He learned the hard way with Mal and lost the thing that was most precious to him, and then unfortunately chose to do it again. Although I understand why he did it the 2nd time, to be reunited with his children. So, Cobb is still a good guy in my book. I just wonder if he'll learn that inception destroys, inception is the negative, and positive trumps negative </span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">every time</span></i></b></span><span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">.</span></i></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">To conclude, I want to quote Cobb's monologue with Mal in the end. This one made me tear up - so powerful:</span></span></i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Mal:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> I’m the only thing you do believe in anymore.</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Cobb:</span></b></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> I wish. I wish more than anything. But I can’t imagine you with all your complexity, all your perfection, all your imperfection. Look at you. You are just a shade of my real wife. You’re the best I can do; but I’m sorry, you are just not good enough.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">That statement was so powerful to me. He recognized that even in his deepest levels of his subconscious he could never imagine his wife in all her complexities. He let her go because she was just a snap shot of who he knew. Even in the lifetime they'd already had together, he only knew a "shade" of her. Woman was created with so many mysteries and levels of depth. It would take a man many lifetimes to explore them all, and it would take him an eternity to understand them all. A man who is willing and eager to pursue and explore all of that, well...that's one you want to hold onto. That my friends, is love worth fighting for.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:17.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:TimesNewRomanPSMT;font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:19.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:TimesNewRomanPSMT;font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:19.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:TimesNewRomanPSMT;font-size:16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b> <o:p></o:p></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b> <o:p></o:p></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-34076822241614517022010-06-14T12:33:00.000-07:002010-06-14T12:55:32.878-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Hi all!</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I just wanted to log in today and blog a little bit about what my world has been like (and will be like for the next couple months) and to touch base with you all. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Every summer my family and I go to North Dakota (yes for the whole summer). My husband's parents own a ranch here and we are blessed to stay with them, and have been doing this routine for 7 years now. It's a unique opportunity to be able to live the city life during the school months and the farm life during the summer. This also means my personal routine changes a bit (less time to blog and do the things that require personal time for me). And then as we were unpacking I realized I forgot my book, "The Flipside" so I can't finish my blog on personal constraints that hold you back in life.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The good news is I did bring some other great books to read this summer that I plan on blogging about so no worries! I just won't be able to blog as often.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I really appreciate all my readers, and starting this blog this year has been such a fun experience. Please bear with me as the summer months steal me away, and thanks so much for faithfully coming to visit!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Sincerely,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Nicole</span></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488900492102595285.post-39174879395786195022010-05-20T10:42:00.000-07:002010-05-20T11:02:24.443-07:00Start Your Day Off Right!<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qR3rK0kZFkg&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qR3rK0kZFkg&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This morning I saw this video on Facebook and it was just what I needed to start my day off right! I have had a crazy month of activity including a HUGE garage sale, several miscellaneous appointments, birthday parties, goodbye parties, school recitals, and more! I was starting to feel like life was just taking over. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I was also starting to feel like everyone else seems to do life better than me. Do you ever get in that mode where you begin to compare yourself to those around you? I should know better, that kind of thinking never puts me in a good mood. The problem is, there is </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">always</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> going to be someone that does something better than me. Like, there has to be a million women out there who are skinnier than me, and managed to lose more than 10 FREAKIN pounds over the course of 9 months! There has to be a million women who have a cleaner house than me (who am I kidding, 2 million!). Surely there are at least a million people that blog better than I do. There are better parents than me, better wives than me, better sisters than me, better cooks than me, and the list could go on and on and on forever! </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">But then I saw this video. And today I'm going to take instruction from a little girl with a big idea. "Out of the mouth of babes..." right? Well I hope you can follow my lead today (or rather Jessica's lead). Drop the negative self-dialogue, drop the comparisons, and just repeat after Jessica..."I can do anything good, I like my hair, I like my body, I like my husband, I like my kids, I like my house, my whole house is great, I can do anything yeah yeah yeah yeah..."</span></div>Nicole Franklinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03690012275286833164noreply@blogger.com5