The Three Stages of Love

Jon and I will be married for 11 years this year, that is pretty amazing. And I have noticed throughout the years that our love has evolved and grown. Looking back I can see there were different stages along the way.

First stage - Ignorance is bliss!

I love everything about you, because I don't know you! There are things that draw me to you, there are things I see that I like, but really you are a stranger to me. It's the mystery or the idea of who you are that I have fallen in love with. I have only begun to scratch the surface of who you are and what makes you tick.

Second Stage - What did I get myself into?

Most people are married by this stage, but some hit this stage outside of marriage if they remain dating or engaged for a number of years. This is when things begin to unravel and the mysteries begin to get solved.

Now, the thing that attracted me to you is driving me crazy! Our differences are painfully obvious, and most of the time I'm convinced you switched personalities on me! The things I thought were cute are now annoying. The things I thought were inspiring now scare the crap out of me, and most of the time I wonder how it's possible that we were so madly in love at one point, wondering if we can ever get it back. This is NORMAL. A lot of couples go through this stage. This is all a part of getting to know your spouse. It is so very normal to be attracted to a man because he feels safe, and loyal, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is passivity and disconnection. It's normal to be attracted to a woman's flare and passion for life, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is impossible standards and expectations. Relationships put pressure on us all. And when the pressure is on, we get to see what we're made of. When we were single these things did not necessarily manifest in our life, because living with someone everyday in the covenant of marriage shows you what's deep down in there. And we all have weaknesses deep down in there. We all have things that need to be developed, shaped, chiseled and transformed. It's a process to work through and unfortunately, a lot of couples lose hope in this stage and call it quits. They throw in the towel because they don't know what they are going through is normal, and they don't know about the third stage of love!

The second stage of love is the stage that requires endurance, commitment, understanding each other instead of demanding agreement, and it requires hope. This is where your vows kick in and you decide to dig deep, suck it up, and move forward even though it's not really fun or romantic. This is where you pull in help - counselors, pastors, friends, parents. People who have gone before you and been successful. People who have reached the third stage of love and know what it's like to conquer the second stage. This is the stage where you don't give up.

Third Stage - I've never known a love like this before, so complete and so rewarding. True Love.

This stage is what makes love worth fighting for. This is the stage where I love you because I know everything about you. I have seen the good the bad and the ugly and it makes me want to move towards you. We worked hard, we made it through the second stage, and now we know why, and it is SO worth it. Nobody knows me like you do. I don't have to hide who I am, and neither do you. I accept you and you accept me. We don't demand perfection from each other, but we do inspire each other to be better. I know you are for me, and I am for you. I have one person to live this life with, that knows me and fights for me, and believes the best in me....always. This stage is the stuff movies are made of. This is what some would call finding your soul mate. This is intimacy at it's finest. And this third stage does exist. I bet there are more people in the third stage of love than you would have first imagined. I made it, we made it to the third stage. And I want to spend my life encouraging other couples that they can make it too! Dream big for your marriage. If you're stuck in the second stage, let hope rise up. There is true love waiting for you on the other side, if you can just hang in there and work for it!

Raising Up Protectors

I grew up in a broken home and experienced many hardships as a young woman. During my sophomore year of college I became pregnant with my oldest son, Nick. The guy I was casually dating at the time tried his best to convince me to have an abortion. Although I was wounded and disconnected in my relationship with God at the time, I knew killing my baby was not the answer. God met me in my decision to choose life. He sent me an amazing husband and blessed me with three more sons. Our boys are now 13, 9, 7, and 1 years old.

One thing Jon (my husband) and I have worked very hard at in raising our boys is making sure they understand it is their job to protect women and children. God created man as the stronger one, but not so he could dominate, prey upon, or “take” from his environment. God gave man strength so he could cover, protect, and give to those around him.

In our society today, many men have believed the lie that they need to look around them and receive identity and strength from things like girlfriends, "trophy wives", positions in sports, careers, and possessions. As a result, they become takers, sometimes even predators, looking to “get” what they need from their environment. What we are teaching our boys is they need to receive their identity and strength from Father God. When they spend time in the Father’s presence, they walk away full of love and strength. Then, they turn around and pour out protection and security to those around them who are vulnerable and in need. They are anchored into an unending love source, and they know who they are. They are learning to be givers and protectors, not takers or predators.

This cycle creates a culture of men who honor and protect the women in their lives, and a culture of men who understand what it means to father their children.

Young men, I challenge you to let Heaven invade your life and receive the revelation of going to God empty, in order to pour out love and protection into this world. Bringing strength to those around you will change an entire generation! The world is waiting for your strength.

I Had A Dream...

The other night I had a dream, and the interpretation was so clear and made so much sense to me that I thought I'd share with you all.

I was in a school and there was a basketball game going on. I wanted to go in and watch the game, but people told me I was going to need permission first. I went and looked for the guy who was in charge, and he was a normal looking man, except for the fact that he had a clock for a head. When I asked him if I could go in and watch the game, he gave me a very firm "no". He was very arrogant, and very difficult to work with. I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't let me go in. So I went over to the door to look into the gym, and saw that it was just a kid's game going on. In the bleachers were parents (whom I recognized). I decided there was no reason I shouldn't be able to go in there. My friends were in there, I should be able to go! So, I went in! Afterwards I went with my friend to this spa where we were going to get these special showers with these amazing massaging faucets and showerheads. My friend went first, and when it was my turn to go in I heard a staff member outside my shower knocking and asking me to leave. I was like "What? I'm not leaving I'm going to finish my shower!" But they insisted. Turns out the "clock-head" guy owned the spa, and he found out I was there. Since I didn't listen to him in the gym he was going to make sure I paid by making me leave the spa. I was outraged to say the least.

I have found in my years of dreaming and interpreting my dreams, that sometimes dreams have more than one interpretation. In one season it may mean one thing, while in the next it may mean something totally different. Sometimes I get the interpretation immediately, and sometimes I never get one at all. This was one of those dreams I had an immediate interpretation for. It felt like a representation of my battle against time. I feel like time is always trying to dictate where I go and what I do. I realized when I had this dream that I would not let time bully me around anymore. And that has been a huge revelation for me.

This is a short blog, but I hope as you read you feel inspired to not let time dictate to you anymore where you go or what you do. Since having this dream I keep singing the song in my head "time is on my side....yes it is!" And I have decided to really embrace that idea. There were some things in life that have been on my "to-do" list for years now. And I was beginning to feel like I would never accomplish them. But I no longer feel that way. I have decided my 30's are going to be about pursuing those things and accomplishing those things, even if I had pre-conceived notions that it was already too late to do them.

What will you decide to do, now that time can't tell you what to do anymore?

Hopefully this blog answers all your questions about our move!

I thought I'd write a brief summary to explain why we are moving the end of this month as everyone keeps asking me individually and I can't remember who I've told and who I haven't.

Jon and I moved from St. Paul, MN in 2003 to start a new life in CA. Back then we didn't know what we wanted to do when we "grew up". We were still searching for the things that mattered to us, and there were things in CA we wanted to pursue. While we were here we discovered so many things about ourselves. The first thing we found out was that we were very disconnected as a couple, and we needed help to fall in love again - and stay in love. We didn't know there was a better way, or how to be different. And now that we know what it's like to be connected on a daily basis, we can't imagine going back to the old way.

We learned how to be different parents. We realized that kids need to feel powerful too, and that by giving them choices and giving them the respect we would like as adults, we can remain connected to their heart through out their life. We also learned that kids are professional mistake makers, and it is not our job to keep them from making mistakes, but rather helping them navigate their way through it when they do.

Jon learned that he has a passion to be a business owner, not just an employee. So since 2004 he has been part owner in a financial investment company. Changing his mindset from an employee to an owner was an adjustment for the whole family. You don't just clock out at the end of your day when you're an owner. He has grown so much and learned so much that he is ready to pursue even bigger dreams in the business world. In 2008 the majority of our company was bought out by a group called "Mariner Wealth Advisors" in Kansas. The CEO of this company is the adopted son of the man who started Pizza Hut, so you can imagine he has a lot of wealth to manage. His vision is to build a company that provides every imaginable tool and product to help individuals, families, and corporations manage their wealth.

We are still minority owners in the company and our partners are spread out all over the place, some in WI, some in CA, and now some in Kansas. We are the only ones who were able to move to Kansas to strengthen this new partnership with Mariner. So, we're going for it!

I learned that the things I'm most passionate about are social justice issues, and coaching people on relational issues. I have several different things I'd like to start pursuing when we get to Kansas. I have been thinking about going back to school for photo-journalism. I love taking pictures and I love writing, and I love talking about things that need to change in our culture. I also look forward to volunteering at crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies. And because of connections we have, I'm kicking around the idea of volunteering to be on Sam Brownback's campaign (senator of Kansas, soon running for governor of the state).

So, a lot of change for the Franklin family coming. I will miss the mountains, I will miss the ocean. I will miss the AMAZING warm winters here. I will miss the dear friends and mentors we met. I will miss my house that we poured so many hours of blood sweat and tears into. But I am excited for the change, for this new season that is opening up before us. I'm kind of digging the idea of seeing Jon in a suit and tie every day as well, there's just something about that look....eh hem....ok back to the blog.

Oh, and the other question I get asked all the time is, how do the boys feel about this? Well, they are not super excited and they are bummed to say goodbye to the life they have here. Which tells me we did a good job of building something good for them. And, that also tells me that we can do it again in a new place. I keep encouraging them to be hopeful for the future. There are good things ahead of us. Yes, it is difficult to say goodbye to the things you love. But change can be really good, and this could be an amazing adventure for our family. So, they are accepting the idea more and more everyday.

That is the update on our lives and what is coming for us in the near future. We close on our house end of the month and plan to be packed up and on the road by Oct. 29th. We appreciate your support for us, and we'll keep you updated as much as we can!

Why You Should Care About Sex Trafficking in AMERICA

The other day my best friend met someone who was creating a documentary on sex trafficking in America. She sent me the link to that documentary. Today I clicked on that link and now it looks like I have another reason to fight for justice (as if I needed another battle!).

Their story: In 2007, a group of students embarked on a journey through 20+ nations on every inhabitable continent, motivated by their love for photography and their passion for justice. At the outset, their experiences seemed diverse, even random. However, a common thread of human suffering would soon emerge as their travels exposed them to a dark, seldom discussed side of humanity-- children being bought and sold to satisfy the sexual pleasures of other humans.

As I scrolled through the different webisodes I became glued to the screen. I was definitely aware of the problem in this nation and other nations, but their work is superb and their perspective is fascinating. They are taking people behind the scenes of the porn industry, the prostitution industry, and the modern day slavery operations. It's real, it's raw, it's eye opening and it will be a phenomenal documentary.

This is going to be a trend in our country. There is a "transfer of influence" coming to this nation. The young people are rising up and finding their voices, and they are using their gifts and talents to expose corruption and atrocities. People will listen to them, and they will change our culture.

It seems like recently all I can really watch and focus on are documentaries. Documentaries are really the next "big thing." The power will no longer belong to deceitful politicians that make empty promises. The slanted news networks and journalists no longer hold the power. Religious figures out to make a buck have lost their appeal, and Hollywood's sad attempt at getting people immersed in fantasy has lost it's luster as well. All people are craving now days is what's REAL. REAL information, unbiased information, real stories, real problems and real solutions. People want justice. And justice they shall have!

I want to end with the webisode that impacted me the most. I encourage you to check out the website and watch them all, but this one was by far my favorite:

That man's poetry is powerful. Some lines that are burned on my heart were;

"I witnessed images I didn’t have a right to and I can’t erase my memory,

So I have to write you and apologize for taking something that

I paid for a price but no matter how high shoulda never been mine.

...I’m sorry, and that’s all I can say

But I promise when I raise a son I’ll raise him to respect you

Sisters and mothers I’m sorry

Husbands sons and brothers please pick up your bats

Because the women of this world are waiting for us to step up!"

The website is http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com - check it out!

Why I'm NOT the Perfect Mother

Motherhood - the greatest job in the world, and sometimes the most difficult job in the world. There are so many emotions, ideas, opinions & stigmas that go along with this very important role. I have learned a lot about myself along the way - and just thought I'd pass those lessons on.

I was the first born in my family which immediately gave me a leadership role full of responsibility and obligation. First-borns tend to fall into two different categories personality-wise: *compliant, nurturing and caregiving OR aggressive movers & shakers. I was the latter. I did my duty with babysitting my siblings, but only because I had to, it was not my natural instinct to want to mother or nurture. All through high school I preferred restaurant jobs and administrative jobs over babysitting for other people. When I was young I imagined that one day, in my late twenties or early thirties I might have children. But that was a long way off in my future, and definitely not one of my short term goals in life.

And then...at the age of 20 I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy with my first son, Nicholas. I did not feel ready for motherhood and my life was a mess at the time. My first instinct was to go the adoption route as I had no tools to be a good mother, and I did not want an innocent child to have to enter into the crazy world called my life. However, over time and with the help of loved ones and family, I realized I was ready for this adventure called motherhood. And I'm so glad I said yes to that adventure! I will never forget the waves of love that rolled over my heart and left me speechless and in awe the first time I looked at my son and held him in my arms. I realized that even though the high-nurturing instincts were not apparent in my life up to that point, they were still there in my heart, waiting for the day when they would be needed.

When that new bliss wore off and the reality of motherhood set in, I realized there were other obstacles I was going to have to face on this journey. Like, the fact that I have a high need for change and can't stand the daily grind of mundane routine. Also, the fact that one of my primary needs in life is to have a significant impact on my world around me (see my blog about the 4 main motivations in life - http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/05/4-main-motivations-in-life-which-one.html). And then there was the day when I took the test to find out which love language I am, and I found out "touch" was not even in the top 3! Kids need a LOT of touch. How was I going to bridge that gap? How was I going to change the world when I was stuck at home all day long changing diapers? How was I going to do the same routine every day without losing my mind?

It wasn't until recently that I realized for the past 10 years I've been (for the most part) operating outside my strengths. All the things I'm bad at, thats what I've been doing for the last decade. No wonder I had doubts! No wonder I felt insufficient. I imagine someone who is high nurturing by nature, has touch as their top love language, and is motivated mainly by connection would feel the same way if all they wanted to do was be at home raising their kids, yet had to work full time outside the home to make ends meet. The grass is always greener right? So even though this motherhood thing has been difficult for me, and not as "natural" as it is for other women, I've also realized that I would have been incomplete without the experience. My kids have taught me so much about life. And I hope I've been able to teach them that we all have strengths and weaknesses, but we shouldn't let the weaknesses hold us back from embracing all life has to offer.

When I'm stuck in the trench of doing all the things I'm not good at, I think about what makes it all worth it. Like the fact that I have four healthy, smart, amazing young men in my life that continue to impress me every year they are alive. I think about the snuggles, the giggles, the funny sayings, the accomplishments, their personalities, the vacations, the holidays, their futures and the possibilities of all the things that are still to come. Now that I understand myself better, I don't even wish for this part of my life to hurry up and get over with. It will go fast enough, I know. I embrace it fully. The other side will be a new adventure. It isn't going anywhere, it will wait for me. For now, bring on the hugs & kisses, the daily grind, the messes, the homework, and even the part about being hidden away changing diapers instead of changing the world. I'm not trapped, I'm blessed!

*You can read more about this in the book "The Birth Order Book" by Dr. Leman

Principles of Powerful People Part Three

A while back I began a series called Principles of Powerful People. If you want to review part I and Part II, follow these links:

http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principals-of-powerful-people-part-one.html

http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/03/principles-of-powerful-people-part-two.html

And here is part III:

XI. Powerful people know how to respect and honor even the smallest and seemingly most insignificant members of society. They take care of their planet, their children, the orphans and the widows, and the elderly. They have respect for animals and the environment, and they are not living only for today. They think multi-generationally. They plan and live for the lives of people they will never know.

In the movie Food, Inc., one farmer put it very well when he said the following; Joel Salatin: A culture that just uses a pig as a pile of protoplasmic inanimate structure, to be manipulated by whatever creative design the human can foist on that critter, will probably view individuals within its community, and other cultures in the community of nations, with the same type of disdain and disrespect and controlling type mentalities.

Powerful people think community, they are not individualistic.

XII. Powerful people don’t wait for justice, they fight for justice. There is one song on the radio today that just irritates me every time I hear it. It’s “Waiting on the World to Change” by John Mayer. Here are the lyrics:

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

we keep on waiting

waiting on the world to change

I just don’t agree with this approach. People who keep waiting for change are victims. Everything happens to them, and they stand-by powerless to do anything about it. Why live like that? Why settle for that? If every person used their voice, and their influence, change is easy. I challenge you to never just wait for change. Have the courage to fight for justice! The dominant state of the people will rule a nation. Will we let neutrality and complacency be the labels of our generation?

XIII. Powerful people don’t have addictions, they live a balanced life. Addictions are an indicator that there is an immense amount of pain in your life and you don’t know how to cope with it. So you have turned to a substance or an activity in order to attempt to drown out the pain. The problem with that vicious cycle is pain doesn’t ever go away until you fix why it was there to begin with. It may temporarily retreat, but then it comes back with a vengeance. Powerful people realize that pain has a purpose, and when you take care of the problem that is causing the pain, pain goes away. Pain is unpleasant, but it is not something to be terrified of.

If you google addiction, you will find this definition in wikipedia:

Historically, addiction has been defined with regard solely to psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco and other drugs) which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.

Many people, both psychology professionals and laymen, now feel that there should be accommodation made to include psychological dependency on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, video games, internet, work, exercise, idolising, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, pain, cutting and shopping so these behaviors count as 'addictions' as well and cause guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness, failure, rejection, anxiety, or humiliation symptoms associated with, among other medical conditions, depression and epilepsy.

If you could identify with any of those crutches, I challenge you to get to the root of the issue. What is the pain you are running from? Powerful people don’t run away, they stand their ground and have the courage to face the things that are scary. They don’t always do that alone, they ask for help if they need it. But powerful people know that running away is not the answer.

XIV. Powerful people have the character and integrity to be the same person at home as they are in public. Many times I have witnessed a leader with an important title fail in this area. They have one message when they are in public, yet they live in hypocrisy behind closed doors. I am not impressed with someone’s success unless their spouse, children, best friends and closest colleagues are too. Because those are the people that are around when the cameras aren’t, and that is when your true colors show.

People who live one way in public and another way in private usually carry a great deal of shame. They may not even be aware of it consciously, but the failure to be true to yourself always has consequences. Powerful people don't carry shame because they have nothing to hide. Powerful people become more impressive the closer you get. I always get really excited when I see someone up-close and personal, and they are who they said they were! It’s rare, but when you find it – it’s a treasure.

The tolerance for hypocrisy is coming to an end. People carry cell phones now that can record conversations and video awkward moments whenever they please. Technology has drawn a line in the sand and has demanded a higher level of accountability and responsibility from leaders. Leaders don’t have to be and never could be perfect. But long gone are the days of faking it. Long gone are the days of pretense and empty talk. This makes me happy because now the genuine ones can step forward and have the influence over culture and over the world that they deserve. They are the ones who have truly paid a price, they are the ones who deserve it.

XV. Powerful people understand that unity is not always possible. There are times and seasons for everyone to come together for a common mission. And then there are times when you will be called to “rock the boat” and go against the grain. There is a tension to this principle. On one hand we are called to bring harmony and peace, understanding and tolerance. Powerful people don’t require others to think like them or agree with them. And then on the other hand there are times where we find ourselves in the midst of corruption and immorality where “tolerance” is not the theme to run with. In these moments powerful people have to stand up for what is right, for what is moral, and for what is healthy. The very delicate yet highly volatile debate comes down to the fact that usually both sides feel they are morally right. In the end the winner is either the majority or the loudest voice. Either way, powerful people continue to engage because they care.