Pain is Determined to do It's Job

The other night I was doing my normal nightly routine, channel surfing and checking my email/facebook etc., when I saw that Hallmark had a movie on, and I thought, “oh another corny Hallmark movie…well there’s nothing better on so I’ll give it a shot.” Then, I realized about 20 minutes into it, it was the story of Lois Wilson, co-founder of Al Anon, and her husband, a recovering alcoholic, who founded Alcoholics Anonymous. Needless to say all of a sudden I found myself completely locked-in. I’m a sucker for a true story of someone who overcame insurmountable odds.

As I watched the memories started coming back. I started thinking about how addiction is associated with so much pain - pain for the one that is drowning in their addiction, and pain for the one who has to watch. I have been in both positions in my life, and the memories can still bring tears to my eyes.

Growing up I had a mother who was an alcoholic. I had a very painful childhood filled with uncertainty and questions. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand back then, like what kinds of emotional issues my mom was facing, or what codependency was, or what having an addiction meant. But I do remember vowing to never become a slave to addiction. Sadly, I was not able to uphold that vow. By the time I was 18 I was on a path of self-destruction including sexual promiscuity as well as alcohol and drug abuse.

Near the end of my 2^nd year of college I discovered I was pregnant. It was a definite turning point for me. Now my choices didn’t just affect me negatively. There was a baby growing inside of me, and he didn’t do anything to deserve alcohol poisoning or birth defects. For some people, for reasons I don’t quite understand, that is not enough to end addiction for them. Try as they may, they won’t be able to quit even when what they are doing threatens the life of someone they love. I don’t know how I was able to do what I did, grace? My crisis pregnancy not only was the leverage I needed to turn my life around, but my son Nick, who is now 12 years old has been one of the greatest blessings in life up to this point. The world will try to tell you that an unplanned baby will destroy your life; therefore you must abort it. For me, having a baby saved my life. I can’t imagine where I’d be today if I hadn’t had those tough decisions to make. Would I be alive? Would I have made it through? Would I be the person I am today, would I have the family I am madly in love with? No one will ever know, but deep inside, I fear the answer to all those questions could very possibly be “No.”

The root of all addiction is pain - and not just any old ordinary pain. I’m talking about deep, horrendous, searing hot pain…the kind of pain that you will slowly kill yourself to get away from. I always thought that pain should be avoided at all cost. Until someone tells you otherwise, it is natural to move away from pain. No one likes it, it’s uncomfortable to say the least and our instincts tell us to run from it. I’d like to suggest however that pain is a good thing.

I remember quite a few years back I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that featured the story of a little girl who had a disease called Hereditary Sensory Neuropathy. This disease affects the sensory nerves that would tell you when something hurts, or when you’re in pain. She had come to the ER with severe injuries, and the doctors found out later she had been taking beatings at school from the bullies, to protect her friends. This episode greatly impacted me because at the end of the show, her injuries are so severe she ends up losing her life. Imagine that. She lost her life because she couldn’t feel pain. In some of our worst moments, I wonder how many people have wished the pain away. How many have begged and bartered with God, willing to make any deal if they could just get rid of the pain. After watching that show, I got the revelation that for my whole life I had been afraid of something that was there to help me. I finally surrendered to the idea of embracing pain. I can’t explain it other than it was like a light switch turning on for me. I suddenly didn’t see pain as the dreaded thing to avoid at ALL costs. Pain was there to direct me, to guide me, to point out what needed change, what wasn’t working for my life. We need pain, without it we die.

I challenge you in this. Change your mind about pain. Watch the video I’ve attached at the bottom of this blog, and decide that from here on out, pain is a tool in your toolbox that is going to move you towards freedom and feeling powerful. Because when you embrace pain, when you listen to it, and let it tell you what to fix, the amazing thing is, it goes away! Drowning it in alcohol doesn’t make it leave, smoking it out with mind altering drugs doesn’t make it go away. Eating until you’re as big as house doesn’t make it go away, and neither does sleeping with a different person every weekend. You can sometimes suppress pain for a moment, but the harder you push it away, the stronger it comes back. Pain is determined to do it’s job.



I want to dedicate this blog to you Mom. I am so proud of you! It’s 2010 now and you’ve been sober for 7 years! I am so filled with joy when I think of all you have been able to concquer. Keep it up, we all love you and I’m so glad I got my mom back!

Strength and Vulnerability

Women by nature were designed to be responders. We are not the head, we are not the covering, we are not by nature the stronger sex. At times we can fulfill that role for a season, but deep inside we know we were not designed to operate that way (just ask a single mom). We flourish when we are covered, protected, known, understood, cherished and empowered. We feel most safe when we are connected to someone who will fight for us (preferably our husband is playing that role), and someone who will go to the ends of the earth to partner with us in our destiny and what we were born to do on this earth. There are so many things that can mess up this equation, starting with the environment we were raised in.

Did our father cherish us and declare our beauty? Did he protect us when the world felt scary? Did he love our mother with intense commitment? Did he establish firm boundaries in the home and strong leadership? Was our mother a powerful woman? I’m not saying was our mother aggressive, I’m saying did she know who she was, did she know she was loved, and did she know what she was born for? Sadly, for most of us we’d have to answer “no” to many of those questions. So right off the bat as women we find ourselves deeply insecure, afraid of the world, feeling unprotected, invalidated and powerless. Let me give you a few examples of how that can lead to a very bad choice for marriage:

Scenario number 1, the Bad Boy: When a woman is on a desperate hunt for strength, sometimes outward aggression, or the appearance of danger and risk can be a deceptive imposter. The problem with the Bad Boy is he is just as insecure as the deeply afraid woman, and he has no true identity. He is living life for the thrill of it, he is a taker and not a giver. He is self-centered and looks for a woman who is a high nurturer who will do and do and do for him without ever requiring anything in return. He is not dependable, he is not a protector and he is not strong. He is weak. His default tools are control and intimidation. The only way he feels powerful is to crush everyone around him. At the end of his life he will have left a trail of destruction including broken hearts and burned bridges, or worse, broken bodies and spirits (for men who take the aggression to the extreme and become physically abusive). A woman in this marriage will feel terrified, oppressed, hopeless and extremely isolated.

Scenario number 2, the Nice Guy: For those who are smart enough to stay away from the Bad Boy, don’t be too quick to pat yourselves on the back. You may just find yourself in a leaderless marriage, and that can feel very scary. Maybe the Nice Guy would never raise a hand to you. Maybe he’s super polite and everyone loves him. Maybe he is very kind to the children and is very well mannered. And maybe he is just scared. Scared to set boundaries, scared to lead, scared to be powerful. Maybe he is scared to stand up to his parents and defend his wife. Maybe he is emotionally checked-out and spends a lot of time hiding from his problems. A woman in this marriage can start to feel out of control. She may start testing her husband by doing reckless and irresponsible things like spending enormous amounts of money, having affairs or developing addictions. It may seem like she is just selfish and crazy. But I have known women like this. And at the deepest part of their core they really just want to know that beyond the nice polite façade, there is a strong man in there! One that is willing to say “enough!” One who is willing to grow up and face the issues. One who is willing to fight for her, fight for himself, and fight for their marriage! It’s not enough to be a Nice Guy. Women need strength. Without it we will flounder.

Scenario number 3, the Player: Sometimes when we haven’t been loved properly as little girls, we begin to find all of our identity in our beauty or our sex appeal. We feel so drawn-in to the handsome, charismatic playboy who is only conquered by the most beautiful woman. But what we don’t realize is his identity is all wrapped up in the thrill of the hunt and the chase. Once that’s over, he’s on to the next hunt. A playboy will never be faithful. He doesn’t have the strength for it. His eyes will always be wandering and his heart is never attached to one woman. Try as he may he doesn’t have what it takes to be loyal. A wife in this marriage will never feel like she is enough. She will always feel like she didn’t measure up, there was something wrong with her. Life in this marriage is very lonely, depressing, and humiliating.

Scenario number 4, the Life of the Party: We’ve all known a guy like this. He lights up the room as soon as he walks in. He is so funny, so charming, so disarming. It doesn’t matter how mad you are at him, he somehow manages to make you laugh. And let’s not forget how spontaneous and romantic he is. Mr. Life of the Party is probably one of the best boyfriends in the world, and also probably one of the most difficult men to be married to and build a life with. He doesn’t do long-term projects well. He bores easily. Commitment and responsibility for him is such a drag. After a few years feeling married to him feels like you’re married to a five year old. After you’ve caught him in about 100 lies or “exaggerations” you begin to doubt everything that comes out of his mouth. Life in this marriage can feel extremely unsafe, extremely discouraging, and some days you feel like the only adult, the nag, and the only one working.

So what does true strength look like? I can tell you this, it does not have one personality, it has many. True strength doesn’t have an age and it doesn’t have a certain type of career. A man who has found his strength is a treasure. He has not been emasculated by American culture. He is healed from any wounds of the past, he has a solid identity and knows who he is and what he was born for. He comes to a woman with something to offer, he is not looking to take away. He comes with strength. He is kind and gentle when appropriate, and also fierce and fatal when need be. He knows how to take risks, and he knows how to meet needs. He knows how to require respect, and he knows how to give respect. He is not intimidated by other’s strengths, he is motivated by them. When healthy women get around a man with true strength, they are inspired, they feel empowered and they feel safe. Strong men are not afraid of developing themselves and challenging themselves. Men with a lot of strength are not afraid to say no, and they are not afraid to say yes. And here’s the kicker, strong men look for healthy, vulnerable women.

What is a healthy vulnerable woman? She has not abandoned her femininity in order to survive this harsh cold world. She is healed from wounds of the past and she has a solid identity and knows who she is and what she was born for. She knows that being vulnerable does not mean she is needy or weak, however she is not afraid to admit that she needs the strength of a man to flourish. She is proud of her vulnerability, she knows it is what makes her beautiful. Does a flower wish to be a boulder? I would hope not! We need the beauty and delicate nature of flowers in this world. Can you imagine a world with no flowers? A vulnerable woman communicates what she needs and what she feels instead of giving orders or demanding change. A vulnerable woman is comfortable with herself and trusting when appropriate, she is also a queen who by her very royal nature commands the highest levels of respect. When healthy men get around a vulnerable and confident woman, they feel inspired to protect her, they feel alive with purpose, and motivated to provide for her and empower her.

If you are a woman who is dating a Bad Boy, a Nice Guy, a Player or the Life of the Party – take another look at what you really want out of life. If you married one, don’t despair. There is hope! I have seen these types of relationships healed and made whole again. It requires a lot of work on both sides, it requires a woman who is willing to get vulnerable again, and it requires a man who is willing to dig deep and find his strength. There are amazing resources for this. For women, check out “Captivating” by John & Staci Eldredge. For men, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge.

I recommend for women to read Captivating first, and then Wild at Heart so she can understand herself, as well as her man. I recommend the same for men. Read Wild at Heart first, and then Captivating to understand yourself and your wife!

Building Breakthrough Momentum in Family

Sam Walton was a young entrepreneur in the 1940’s. He began with a dime store and a passion to sell many different items to the community at a steep discount. He accomplished this by buying in bulk in order to pass on the savings to his customers. He spent seven years developing his first store and opened a second store by the 1950’s. He built step-by-step, gaining slow momentum every year. Over time he experienced success and failure, but he did not give up.

It took Walton a quarter of a century to grow from that single dime store to owning a chain of 38 Wal-Marts. Then, (and this is the exciting part), from 1970 to 2000 Wal-Mart hit breakthrough momentum and exploded to over 3,000 stores with over $150 billion in revenues! These accomplishments led to Sam Walton being chosen for TIME magazines top 100 people of the Century. He can be found under the category of “builders and titans”.

Our culture likes to showcase stories of “overnight successes”, but I’d like to propose that there is no such thing. It’s a myth, an urban legend if you will, especially when it comes to building families.

I hear from people around the nation that are looking to heal wounds and build family connection. One of the greatest frustrations they have is the overwhelming feeling of failure or lack of momentum. People are afraid to make mistakes, so they often stay in old patterns for fear of failing in new endeavors.

What Sam Walton tapped into is something similar to the effect caused by a flywheel. Let me explain:

“Picture a huge, heavy flywheel – a massive metal disk mounted horizontally on an axle, about thirty feet in diameter, two feet thick, and weighing about five thousand pounds. Now imagine that your task is to get the flywheel rotating on the axle as fast and as long as possible.

Pushing with great effort, you get the flywheel to inch forward, moving almost imperceptibly at first. You keep pushing and, after two or three hours of persistent effort, you get the flywheel to complete one entire turn.

You keep pushing, and the flywheel begins to move a bit faster, and with continued great effort, you move it around a second rotation. You keep pushing in a consistent direction. Three turns…four… five…six…the flywheel builds up speed…seven …eight…you keep pushing…nine…ten…it builds momentum…eleven…twelve… moving faster with each turn…twenty…thirty…fifty…a hundred.

Then, at some point – breakthrough! The momentum of the thing kicks in your favor, hurling the flywheel forward, turn after turn…whoosh!...its own heavy weight working for you. You’re pushing no harder than during the first rotation, but the flywheel goes faster and faster. Each turn the flywheel builds upon work done earlier, compounding your investment of effort.”*

So after this flywheel (or healthy, connected family) is whirring in action, and someone comes up to you and wants you to identify the one major “push” that gave you all this momentum, how will you answer them? You won’t be able to identify it. It’s all about continued effort, not giving up, not letting the slow progression stop you or intimidate you.

Keep Moving Forward

I love the movie Meet the Robinsons. It’s about a little boy named Lewis living in an orphanage. Lewis is an inventor and is forever trying to build new gadgets that will eventually lead him back to meet his birth mother. He often gets discouraged when he faces failure. But one day, as he’s about to give up on everything, he gets a visitor from the future. He doesn’t know it yet, but this visitor is his son. His son knows that Lewis can’t give up, because one day he will be successful.

When Lewis travels to the future he meets a wonderful group of people named the Robinsons. Lewis has no idea the people he is eating dinner with are his family from the future. While enjoying dinner together, one of the gadgets for serving food breaks down. Lewis’ son encourages Lewis to fix it (because Lewis invented it). Lewis gives it his best effort but is very doubtful of success. Sure enough, the gadget explodes and sprays food all over everyone.

Lewis cowers and starts apologizing, hanging his head in shame. But something happens that he could never have expected. The whole family erupts in applause. Everyone is cheering yelling,

“You failed!”

“Excellent”

“Great job!”

“From failing you learn, from success, not so much.”

The whole family bursts out in song about how when you fail, you have to keep moving forward.

Lewis begins to smile and feel safe in his failure. One of the family members raises a glass to Lewis and says;

“I propose a toast to Lewis, and his brilliant failure. May it lead to success in the future.”

Lewis replies, “Gosh, you’re all so nice. If I had a family, I’d want them all to be like you.”

Lewis realizes later on he is going to have to let go of the past, and keep moving forward.

I am confident that as you and your family pursue new goals in connection and relationship that no one is expecting perfection. Life is not as much about the destination as it is the journey. God is so pleased at your effort, and just as Lewis’ family cheered when he failed, I can imagine heaven is cheering for you when you fail. Because when you fail, you learn. And when you keep moving forward, you build explosive momentum.

The Franklin family did not start where we are today. We built our connection step-by-step, through failures and successes, and now our flywheel is whirring like a well-oiled piece of machinery.

Don’t give up! Keep moving forward.

*The excerpt of the flywheel is found in the book Good to Great by Jim Collins 2001

Principles of Powerful People Part Two

I realize these blogs are a little more "meatier" than some of my previous posts. So thank you all for your great feedback, private messages and encouraging words. Thanks for taking time to chew on these!

Oh, and while you read, imagine this cute fella crawling all over me, biting me, pulling my hair, flirting with me, doing his best to distract me, all while I write about powerful people. :-) Ah the glamorous life of a stay-at-home mom who wants to change the world, one diaper at a time!

VI. Powerful people ask questions when they are having problems in relationships, they don't presume to know what is in another person's heart. Have you ever had someone confront you with accusations of what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what your intentions are? It is infuriating. It is not productive, it is not empowering and it does not work. It doesn't promote trust and it doesn't give you the opportunity to explain what is going on with you.

One rule of communication for this principle is: I only have the right to tell you about me. I don't have the right to tell you about you. The moment I begin to tell you about you, I have stepped into "attack" mode and I have stepped into judgement.

Example: (wrong) "You are so crabby today. Just because I didn't do the dishes last night doesn't give you the right to mope around all day. I know you're just trying to punish me."

(right): "You seem upset, are you?", "I get this feeling you are upset with me because of the dishes, is that true?", "Is everything all right with you? Want to talk?", "Did I do something to offend you?"

Asking questions instead of making statements is an art, and it requires practice and discipline. That's why it's called "the art of asking questions." It requires you to stop, think, and then speak. Something very few of us have trained ourselves to do.

Have you ever noticed you are on your best behavior with practical strangers, yet can be mean and ugly with the people you live with every day? I think it's quite normal, and they do say that familiarity breeds contempt. We want to be comfortable at home. We don't want to be all formal and uptight. But when it comes to dealing with relational problems with those we love, we owe them the common courtesy and politeness we would give a stranger.

VII. Powerful people know how to do intimacy. They have people in their lives who know everything about them. They invite wise counsel into their lives. They allow others to influence them. Powerful people don't isolate themselves, they flourish in community. They know how to be accountable and how to be responsible with other people's hearts. Too many times I have seen people isolate themselves relationally. Remember the preview to the movie Up in the Air? George Clooney is walking in the airport talking on the phone and says, "Isolated? I'm surrounded!" Yes, he is surrounded by people, complete strangers! None of them know his dreams, his fears, his hopes and his aspirations. Who has permission to change his mind? Who pushes him, who challenges him, who requires something of him? People can be surrounded and yet still be alone. Ask yourself this; who knows your dreams, your fears, your hopes and your aspirations? Who has permission to change your mind? Who pushes you, who challenges you, and who requires something of you? I hope you can come up with at least two people. If not, this is a great area to develop yourself.

VIII. Powerful people live within their means. They don't rely on credit for the basic necessities, and they have learned the art of delayed gratification. They don't have a mindset of entitlement, and they are willing to work hard and set goals for themselves. Powerful people don't acquire money for power, they acquire money because they are powerful. They don't measure wealth by what they own, the measure wealth by how much they are able to give away. People who are mortgaged up to their eye balls and are living paycheck to paycheck don't sleep well at night. We have an epidemic in this country of "keeping up with the Joneses." It's never too late to turn this cycle around. It starts with what you believe. Do you believe that living within your means and disciplining yourself to wait for what you can afford is wise, and will be the thing that gives you peace of mind? Or do you believe in keeping up with the Joneses?

IX. Powerful people don't require agreement in arguments, they expect to be heard, and hopefully understood. The christian church is especially guilty of requiring everyone to agree, and they do this in the name of God. Somewhere, someone (or a lot of people actually) believed a lie that God wanted us all to look the same, talk the same, dress the same and act the same. But that goes against the very nature of God. Just look at His creation, the beauty of it is the diversity. God is all about freedom. Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected with people? Sometimes you have to choose. If you continually choose to be "right", you may end up very alone, or you will be surrounded by people who look exactly like you. We can't grow if we don't expose ourselves to different ideas, we need cross pollination to stay sharp!

X. Powerful people don't seek revenge, they forgive and let go. They understand that forgiving someone doesn't mean they have to let that person back in their life to continue to hurt them. They realize that holding grudges and anger against another person is unhealthy and creates a toxic mindset.

Principles of Powerful People Part One

A while back I started writing about the attributes of powerful people. I wanted to share these with you. I believe it is important to feel powerful, no matter what race, gender, age or personality you are. One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling powerless.

For this blog, we'll start with 1-5. I hope you enjoy!

I. Powerful people know who they are. Their identity is not wrapped up in what they do. People who have identity in the wrong thing will be territorial, insecure and lost. Powerful people don't horde power, they spread it around. They don't want to be responsible for everyone, they want everyone to be responsible! A good example of this for me is King Arthur. I love the concept of the round table approach. The best leaders are ones who are confident and not afraid of other's successes. William Wallace (of the story of Braveheart) once said, "Men don't follow titles, they follow courage." To be full of courage, you have to know who you are. If you don't know who you are, you may spend your entire life fighting for something that was never supposed to be yours.

II. Powerful people understand a culture of freedom. They embrace internal control, and they don't require external control (law or fear of punishment) to make good choices. So many of us were raised in an environment of external control. From the outside our parents tried to make us do what they wanted using intimidation and fear. We didn't learn how to control ourselves because our parents did everything for us. They told us how to think, what to believe, how to act, how to behave, and how to "be." People don't flourish in a culture of control. They just get really good at hiding who they really are and what they're really doing.

III. Powerful people don't have secrets. They have courage to be honest and transparent. People who have secrets usually have a lot of shame and guilt they are living with. They are afraid, afraid if people really knew who they were they would be punished. Again, this is the manifestation of a belief system that says I can control others, and they can control me. When we believe we have the right to control others, we believe we have the right to punish them, and be punished. In a culture of freedom, there is no shame or guilt in making mistakes. With freedom, there is room to make bad choices, and there is room to clean up our messes. We learn more from failure than we do from success. There is no shame when we reveal what we are tempted to hide. Powerful people don't fear failure, they learn from it. Abraham Lincoln said, "My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

IV. Powerful people don't attack when they are feeling threatened or powerless. They articulate their needs and don't try to get their way by using fear and intimidation. People who are afraid or who are feeling powerless will often times go into an argument with "arms swinging." I remember one time I asked my husband Jon to go to the store for me. I was busy and didn't have time to run the errand myself, I was really hoping he would do it. When he said no, I immediately felt the need to attack. I started threatening him because I felt powerless. It went something like "if you don't do this for me, then I won't do that for you..." He looked at me with kind eyes and said, "I don't respond to threats, but I do respond to need. Tell me why you need me to run this errand for you." I know I have shared this before but I felt it deserved a repeat. That moment was a turning point for our relationship. I pulled myself out of attack mode, and went on to explain why the errand was so important to me. Powerful people believe their needs are important.

One rule of communication with this principal is: I will tell you what I am feeling and what I need. You will have to decide what to do with that information. Will you validate me, will you protect my heart? Or will you ignore me? For example: "I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed right now with all that is on my plate. I need you to pick up stamps for me at the store so I can finish what I'm doing here, and bills can be paid on time. Can you please do that for me?"

V. Powerful people confront in love, they don't hide from or avoid healthy confrontation. Confrontation requires trust. It is very difficult to confront someone you don't trust. Likewise, it is very difficult to confront someone who doesn't trust you. People who are afraid, hide. People who want to preserve friendship and protect connection confront what is threatening that relationship, even when it is scary. Powerful people don't protect ideas or information, they protect people and relationships.

Some good questions to ask yourself when confronting are:

• Have I invested enough into this relationship to take an emotional withdrawal that confrontation will require?
• Will confronting this issue bring this person closer to me, or push them further away?
• What is my goal in confronting? Do I want to preserve this relationship and fix it, or do I really want to just set healthy boundaries because this person is out of control?
• If someone had to confront me about this issue, how would I want them to present it to me?
• What is this person's love language? (If you have not read about love languages, google "the five love languages") When confronting someone it is important to speak to them in a way they will best hear it.

Words of affirmation: this person will be extremely sensitive about negative sounding words. Try to use the most positive, uplifting words when confronting this person.

Touch: this person will feel much more disarmed if you can touch them on the shoulder or the arm (when appropriate) while confronting them.

Acts of service: this person will probably hear them best if you start out the confrontation with, I just did this thing for you, oh and I wanted to know if we could talk about...

Gifts: bringing a love offering (like their favorite coffee) is a small but meaningful gesture that would help this person hear what you are saying better.

Quality time: making sure you spend quality time with this person before and after the confrontation will make them feel valued.

Question From A Single Mom

My first question comes from a single mom we'll call Lisa. She has an 11 year old daughter and a limited income. She works full time and goes to school full time. Wow, what a schedule! Her problem is a typical one I've heard before. Dad is not involved, not emotionally, physically or financially supporting his daughter. Sounds like he has a drinking problem and is very inconsistent with work. She hasn't been getting child support for 4 months now, and is wondering what to do about it. So far there has been no legal arrangement made.

Lisa, I can tell you from experience, I've heard this story so many times. I've seen it work out a couple different ways. I've seen the mother pursue child support, and then battle the rest of her life with a man who is flaky, untrustworthy, and emotionally draining to work with. I've heard so many single mothers say "I wish I didn't have to deal with this, it is so stressful!". On the other hand, I've seen situations where the mother just let the father go, and didn't pursue financial support. Yes that put strain on her financially, but time and again I've heard women express that struggling to make ends meet is a different kind of stress than struggling with a father who's integrity and character are lacking.

Personally, when I came to the realization that the man who fathered my child (before I met and married Jon), was not interested at all in being there for me or my baby (financially, emotionally or physically), I cut the strings. At first it was scary. I had no idea how I would make ends meet, how I would support a child all by myself. But things always worked out, we always had enough. And 12 years down the road, I can't imagine how having someone like him in my life would have drained me and stressed me, (not to mention having to co-parent with a practical stranger, someone who's core values were obviously not mine).

Now, I don't know if your daughter has any relationship with him, I got the sense that there wasn't much of a bond there. I'm a firm believer that kids need healthy, balanced, loving people surrounding them. It sounds like you and your parents are more than sufficient in these areas. If it's money you're worried about, I say no need to worry. If you've read my story you know the ways that you and your child can have all your needs provided for and more! I also think if he is struggling to have a healthy life, it may be best to "cut the strings."

This is an important decision and I think deep down, we always know what is best for our kids. I know what worked for my life, and I have heard several women say it worked best for them too. But still, you have to weigh this decision carefully, and go with your best gut instinct.

Please keep us updated on how things turn out, my family and I will be praying for you during this time, that you'll be able to make the best decision possible.

Blessings!

Ask me!

I'm a puddle. I just finished watching Julie & Julia. I am passionate about cooking, but that is not what made me tear up. It's like someone made a movie about all my secret heart's desires (when it comes to writing that is). I could so relate to the roller coaster of emotions those women went through. It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm so glad I started a blog this year. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

I would like to ask you all a favor. I feel like the best of who I am gets pulled out of me when I am attempting to solve someone's relational, emotional, marital, parental or financial questions. If you have something that's been on your heart, an answer you're seeking or advice you long for, give me a try! I'd love to give it a whirl. You can private message me on facebook or email me at nlc777@hotmail.com (make sure you put "ask me" in the subject line). All names will be changed and privacy will be respected of course!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs, and to send me your questions. You are all amazing people!