Handling Stress in a Healthy Way

I recently received some ideas for new blog topics. One of them stood out to me as an important thing to address, dealing with stress. I think it's important to talk about stress because it is something that each and every person struggles with, no matter who they are, how old they are, male or female, rich or poor, we all deal with stress. Some of us deal with it better than others!

For me personally I have found that there are a few things to remember in order to be able to deal with stress well. The first thing I had to learn was how to live life from a powerful perspective, vs. a victim mindset. Just because you have a string of bad things happen to you, or even a series of horrible things that happen to you, it doesn't mean you are a victim for life. You can still be powerful in the midst of really difficult circumstances. Pain and hardships are not the end of the world. Learning how to stand and face my problems helped me feel powerful in life. Whenever I run away or avoid or try to cover up pain, I find myself acting like a victim. But when I stand my ground and ask for help, and deal with things head-on, I feel powerful, even when things don't go my way. Practice living life powerfully.

What makes you feel powerful?

Next, I learned to "know thyself." It is so helpful for me to have studied personalities for so long, that I not only understand what makes me tick, what motivates me and what scares me, but I also know those things about the people around me. Because I know myself really well, I know my limits. I know what I need, I know what will bring me joy. I've learned to listen to the signals my body sends me. When you develop habits of taking care of yourself, you are more prepared to handle stress well. I know that mundane routine wears me down. I know that I have a high need for change. I know that trying to keep my house really clean is near impossible with 4 boys. I know that I am no good to anyone before 9am. I know I love to cook but I hate to do dishes. I know that every once in a while I need a piece of bacon to feel satisfied. I also know that if I ate bacon every day I would be 200 pounds. I know that writing is an outlet for me, and I know that when I'm cooped up in the house too long with all my kids, I'm not the best mom I can be.

What do you know about yourself?

And lastly, it's important to know that no matter how hard you work on things, no matter how much you develop yourself, and no matter how many things you think you know there will be times of crisis where we are literally living in survival mode, just trying to keep our heads above water. In times like those I think it's so important to just give ourselves a break. Grace is what I cry out for in times like that. I give myself permission to temporarily melt down. I cry, I complain, and I say life is not fair. And at 34 years old, I still have weeks or even months when I live in survival mode. What do I anchor into when I'm in survival mode? I tell myself three things. The only thing that matters to me is that I come out of this season with my connection with God, my connection with my family, and my connection with my close friends in tact. Nothing else matters to me, not my weight, not my finances, not my goals, not my house, not a career, none of it is as important as my relationships. I lean heavily on others in seasons of survival, and I don't hold myself to high standards of performance. Survival seasons are not seasons to discipline yourself or accomplish new feats, or set new goals. It's not the time to evaluate yourself or grade yourself. It's simply a time to HANG ON, and GET THROUGH. Kind of like the song "if you're going through hell, keep on moving!"

Some people live in survival mode for years, and some people live there indefinitely. Take a look at your life. If you feel like you've been in survival mode for too long and need help breaking out - reach out and start pursuing something better for yourself. Our bodies were not designed to be able to handle the chemicals that get released when we are stressed long term. Not only will you feel worn down emotionally and mentally in extended or indefinite seasons of survival mode, but your body will start manifesting physical symptoms as well.

And lastly I'd say peace is my most effective weapon in handling stress well. When I focus on all that is going right instead of the things going wrong I feel peace. When I think about how much my husband loves me, I feel peace. When I count my blessings, I feel peace. When I slow down I feel peace. When I take a step back and look at things big picture, I feel peace. When I talk to my best friend I feel peace. When I cuddle with my kids I feel peace. And let's all just be real here, when I have a glass of wine, I feel LOTS of peace! All in moderation people, moderation!!!!! When I encourage people and counsel people I feel peace. When I make the world a better place, I feel peace.

What brings you peace?

Sex and Covenant

For generations people have been preached at about sexual sin and sexual behavior. But I think a new perspective and a new approach needs to be brought to the issue of sex and covenant. I want to take you back to the beginning, the original design, the template of what God had in mind when He started. We were all created for intimate relationship, with each other and with Him. It's what we yearn for and we are not complete without it.

If you read the bible as a novel and really take it in "big picture", you'd see that it is a love story between God and mankind. At it's most basic form it is a love letter to teach, inform, romance and protect us. But so many view it as a rule book, a book of judgement, a book of criticism, and a collection of stern warnings. I often think if I had to be separated from my kids, what kind of letters would I write to them? My letters to them would look a lot like God's letter (the bible) to us. And I know the tone they would hear when reading would be a tone of love, compassion, protection and hope. I have had to re-train myself to read God's word with that tone, vs. the tone I was taught to hear in the church growing up.

When I was young I had a distorted understanding of sex. I knew for certain I was not supposed to have sex outside of marriage but without the true understanding of why, that rule was easily broken. If your only inspiration for not doing something is because someone told you it's bad, it is terribly difficult to uphold that rule.

So, back to the beginning of the story...In the beginning God created Adam, and they walked together and had relationship. In that initial time they spent together, God could see that Adam needed a mate. He needed someone that was created like he was to share his life with, so God created woman. God took a rib from Adam's side and created Adam's counterpart, Eve. Then God gave Adam and Eve sex as a way to bring them back together as one. Sex was designed for two people to connect at an intense level, and it was given as a way to create life, and it was given as a way to manifest the love they had for each other until one of them or both of them were no more.

At the core of who we are as women we need to feel safe, protected, and committed-to, to really flourish in a sexual relationship. When we participate in casual sex or sex outside of covenant, we are betraying ourselves. In our quest to get love, we give sex, and that leaves us ravished and devastated. The feeling is strong in the beginning, it is a sick feeling that leaves you empty and vulnerable, unprotected and stripped bare. But if you try hard enough, you can ignore those feelings, or suppress them temporarily and continue betraying your heart. But...there are consequences. There are addictions that will show up, or therapy sessions, or silent cries in the night when you betray the original design. "No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man is the verdict on your soul. (Dear sister, how many of you have lost yourself in this search?)" - quote from the book "Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John & Stasi Eldredge.

At the deepest core of who a man is he is wired to bring strength, protection and love to a woman. When he engages in sex outside of covenant and takes from a woman something that he did not pay for in commitment, he becomes extremely challenged in the ability to give all that he was born to give. He takes on either subconsciously or consciously the role of a predator, taking instead of giving. In doing this he betrays his heart and his design. As a result, men will either feel a deep remorse, shame and guilt, or, they will feel a deep resentment towards the woman who could not ultimately validate him. He does not feel like the hero, he feels like a failure. He will either run away and continue his quest with the next woman, or he will stay and make an attempt to "love" the woman he is with. But it is not a natural intimacy, it is all manufactured. It is "love" that comes forth from the will of the mind vs. love that is an unstoppable flow from the heart.

There is no question that God designed a man to be inspired by a woman's beauty. He created arousal, he created femininity, and masculinity. He created them to be primally drawn to each other. A woman can awaken a man's sexuality in a way that no other experience on earth comes close to. This is the stuff that wars are fought over. These are the feelings we all long to have. A woman wants nothing more than to melt into the strong arms of her lover. But our primary and core validation has to come from God first, until it does we can never be satisfied by sex or by the opposite sex. The second qualification of being in unity with the original design, is to understand and believe that covenant (or commitment) is vital to the health of a sexual relationship.

Sex inside of and protected by healthy, faithful covenant is one of the most beautiful things a man and woman can experience. Under the umbrella of covenant a woman feels sheltered, safe, completely open and known. In her heart she feels respected and cherished. There is no competition, no fear, no emotion of being taken from. It feels right, in order, in harmony with the original design. She knows she is beautiful, she knows she is worth fighting for. Under that same umbrella a man feels strong, inspired, romantic and motivated. He is powerful in what he can bring to the relationship. His heart is not tainted with thoughts of compromise and he is at harmony as well with the original design. He knows he has what it takes to be a man and he knows he is the hero in his story.

To abstain from sex outside of marriage because you are afraid of breaking the rules, or you're afraid of shame or condemnation, (or std's, or unplanned pregnancy) is very uninspiring and it is ineffective. But to protect that gift until you've found loving covenant for life is an electrifying challenge. To understand the original design for sex and to really embrace the very highest plan that God has for you is hard work, but the reward is unbelievable. For those who have engaged in promiscuous sex in the past, there is hope to have a different relationship with sex and covenant. There is hope to discard your old ways of thinking and betrayals of the heart, and there is hope to embrace a new way of life. I speak to you from the other side of a story that started out very painful for me. Despite many mistakes my husband and I made in the beginning of our lives, we are now experiencing God's original design for sex and covenant. What we are walking in now inspired me to write this blog today.

I challenge you to see that all those scriptures about sexual sin and sexual behavior in the bible are not there to take away from you, or to limit your pleasures in this lifetime. They are there to show you that sex within covenant is such an amazing experience that there is an intense war over it. The enemy of your heart would come to kill, steal, and destroy any joy that would come from sex. Our enemy has done everything in his power to pervert it, compromise it, disfigure it, and sabotage it. So wouldn't it make sense that the lover of your soul would leave you tons of advice, guidance and direction to protect it and keep it safe? Sometimes there is so much freedom released to us when we see things in a new light. I hope this blog has done that for some of you today. I hope it has brought some understanding, some freedom, and some peace to your soul on an issue that for some, can really be very sensitive and full of questions and confusion.

Resources for more on this topic:

Wild At Heart - Discovering the Secrets of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge

Captiviating - Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul by John & Staci Edlredge

Love & War - Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed of by John & Staci Eldredge

Moral Revolution movement: http://moralrevolution.com/

Loving On Purpose Ministries: http://lovingonpurpose.com/

The Three Stages of Love

Jon and I will be married for 11 years this year, that is pretty amazing. And I have noticed throughout the years that our love has evolved and grown. Looking back I can see there were different stages along the way.

First stage - Ignorance is bliss!

I love everything about you, because I don't know you! There are things that draw me to you, there are things I see that I like, but really you are a stranger to me. It's the mystery or the idea of who you are that I have fallen in love with. I have only begun to scratch the surface of who you are and what makes you tick.

Second Stage - What did I get myself into?

Most people are married by this stage, but some hit this stage outside of marriage if they remain dating or engaged for a number of years. This is when things begin to unravel and the mysteries begin to get solved.

Now, the thing that attracted me to you is driving me crazy! Our differences are painfully obvious, and most of the time I'm convinced you switched personalities on me! The things I thought were cute are now annoying. The things I thought were inspiring now scare the crap out of me, and most of the time I wonder how it's possible that we were so madly in love at one point, wondering if we can ever get it back. This is NORMAL. A lot of couples go through this stage. This is all a part of getting to know your spouse. It is so very normal to be attracted to a man because he feels safe, and loyal, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is passivity and disconnection. It's normal to be attracted to a woman's flare and passion for life, only to find out on the other side that the constraint to that strength is impossible standards and expectations. Relationships put pressure on us all. And when the pressure is on, we get to see what we're made of. When we were single these things did not necessarily manifest in our life, because living with someone everyday in the covenant of marriage shows you what's deep down in there. And we all have weaknesses deep down in there. We all have things that need to be developed, shaped, chiseled and transformed. It's a process to work through and unfortunately, a lot of couples lose hope in this stage and call it quits. They throw in the towel because they don't know what they are going through is normal, and they don't know about the third stage of love!

The second stage of love is the stage that requires endurance, commitment, understanding each other instead of demanding agreement, and it requires hope. This is where your vows kick in and you decide to dig deep, suck it up, and move forward even though it's not really fun or romantic. This is where you pull in help - counselors, pastors, friends, parents. People who have gone before you and been successful. People who have reached the third stage of love and know what it's like to conquer the second stage. This is the stage where you don't give up.

Third Stage - I've never known a love like this before, so complete and so rewarding. True Love.

This stage is what makes love worth fighting for. This is the stage where I love you because I know everything about you. I have seen the good the bad and the ugly and it makes me want to move towards you. We worked hard, we made it through the second stage, and now we know why, and it is SO worth it. Nobody knows me like you do. I don't have to hide who I am, and neither do you. I accept you and you accept me. We don't demand perfection from each other, but we do inspire each other to be better. I know you are for me, and I am for you. I have one person to live this life with, that knows me and fights for me, and believes the best in me....always. This stage is the stuff movies are made of. This is what some would call finding your soul mate. This is intimacy at it's finest. And this third stage does exist. I bet there are more people in the third stage of love than you would have first imagined. I made it, we made it to the third stage. And I want to spend my life encouraging other couples that they can make it too! Dream big for your marriage. If you're stuck in the second stage, let hope rise up. There is true love waiting for you on the other side, if you can just hang in there and work for it!

Raising Up Protectors

I grew up in a broken home and experienced many hardships as a young woman. During my sophomore year of college I became pregnant with my oldest son, Nick. The guy I was casually dating at the time tried his best to convince me to have an abortion. Although I was wounded and disconnected in my relationship with God at the time, I knew killing my baby was not the answer. God met me in my decision to choose life. He sent me an amazing husband and blessed me with three more sons. Our boys are now 13, 9, 7, and 1 years old.

One thing Jon (my husband) and I have worked very hard at in raising our boys is making sure they understand it is their job to protect women and children. God created man as the stronger one, but not so he could dominate, prey upon, or “take” from his environment. God gave man strength so he could cover, protect, and give to those around him.

In our society today, many men have believed the lie that they need to look around them and receive identity and strength from things like girlfriends, "trophy wives", positions in sports, careers, and possessions. As a result, they become takers, sometimes even predators, looking to “get” what they need from their environment. What we are teaching our boys is they need to receive their identity and strength from Father God. When they spend time in the Father’s presence, they walk away full of love and strength. Then, they turn around and pour out protection and security to those around them who are vulnerable and in need. They are anchored into an unending love source, and they know who they are. They are learning to be givers and protectors, not takers or predators.

This cycle creates a culture of men who honor and protect the women in their lives, and a culture of men who understand what it means to father their children.

Young men, I challenge you to let Heaven invade your life and receive the revelation of going to God empty, in order to pour out love and protection into this world. Bringing strength to those around you will change an entire generation! The world is waiting for your strength.

I Had A Dream...

The other night I had a dream, and the interpretation was so clear and made so much sense to me that I thought I'd share with you all.

I was in a school and there was a basketball game going on. I wanted to go in and watch the game, but people told me I was going to need permission first. I went and looked for the guy who was in charge, and he was a normal looking man, except for the fact that he had a clock for a head. When I asked him if I could go in and watch the game, he gave me a very firm "no". He was very arrogant, and very difficult to work with. I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't let me go in. So I went over to the door to look into the gym, and saw that it was just a kid's game going on. In the bleachers were parents (whom I recognized). I decided there was no reason I shouldn't be able to go in there. My friends were in there, I should be able to go! So, I went in! Afterwards I went with my friend to this spa where we were going to get these special showers with these amazing massaging faucets and showerheads. My friend went first, and when it was my turn to go in I heard a staff member outside my shower knocking and asking me to leave. I was like "What? I'm not leaving I'm going to finish my shower!" But they insisted. Turns out the "clock-head" guy owned the spa, and he found out I was there. Since I didn't listen to him in the gym he was going to make sure I paid by making me leave the spa. I was outraged to say the least.

I have found in my years of dreaming and interpreting my dreams, that sometimes dreams have more than one interpretation. In one season it may mean one thing, while in the next it may mean something totally different. Sometimes I get the interpretation immediately, and sometimes I never get one at all. This was one of those dreams I had an immediate interpretation for. It felt like a representation of my battle against time. I feel like time is always trying to dictate where I go and what I do. I realized when I had this dream that I would not let time bully me around anymore. And that has been a huge revelation for me.

This is a short blog, but I hope as you read you feel inspired to not let time dictate to you anymore where you go or what you do. Since having this dream I keep singing the song in my head "time is on my side....yes it is!" And I have decided to really embrace that idea. There were some things in life that have been on my "to-do" list for years now. And I was beginning to feel like I would never accomplish them. But I no longer feel that way. I have decided my 30's are going to be about pursuing those things and accomplishing those things, even if I had pre-conceived notions that it was already too late to do them.

What will you decide to do, now that time can't tell you what to do anymore?

Hopefully this blog answers all your questions about our move!

I thought I'd write a brief summary to explain why we are moving the end of this month as everyone keeps asking me individually and I can't remember who I've told and who I haven't.

Jon and I moved from St. Paul, MN in 2003 to start a new life in CA. Back then we didn't know what we wanted to do when we "grew up". We were still searching for the things that mattered to us, and there were things in CA we wanted to pursue. While we were here we discovered so many things about ourselves. The first thing we found out was that we were very disconnected as a couple, and we needed help to fall in love again - and stay in love. We didn't know there was a better way, or how to be different. And now that we know what it's like to be connected on a daily basis, we can't imagine going back to the old way.

We learned how to be different parents. We realized that kids need to feel powerful too, and that by giving them choices and giving them the respect we would like as adults, we can remain connected to their heart through out their life. We also learned that kids are professional mistake makers, and it is not our job to keep them from making mistakes, but rather helping them navigate their way through it when they do.

Jon learned that he has a passion to be a business owner, not just an employee. So since 2004 he has been part owner in a financial investment company. Changing his mindset from an employee to an owner was an adjustment for the whole family. You don't just clock out at the end of your day when you're an owner. He has grown so much and learned so much that he is ready to pursue even bigger dreams in the business world. In 2008 the majority of our company was bought out by a group called "Mariner Wealth Advisors" in Kansas. The CEO of this company is the adopted son of the man who started Pizza Hut, so you can imagine he has a lot of wealth to manage. His vision is to build a company that provides every imaginable tool and product to help individuals, families, and corporations manage their wealth.

We are still minority owners in the company and our partners are spread out all over the place, some in WI, some in CA, and now some in Kansas. We are the only ones who were able to move to Kansas to strengthen this new partnership with Mariner. So, we're going for it!

I learned that the things I'm most passionate about are social justice issues, and coaching people on relational issues. I have several different things I'd like to start pursuing when we get to Kansas. I have been thinking about going back to school for photo-journalism. I love taking pictures and I love writing, and I love talking about things that need to change in our culture. I also look forward to volunteering at crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies. And because of connections we have, I'm kicking around the idea of volunteering to be on Sam Brownback's campaign (senator of Kansas, soon running for governor of the state).

So, a lot of change for the Franklin family coming. I will miss the mountains, I will miss the ocean. I will miss the AMAZING warm winters here. I will miss the dear friends and mentors we met. I will miss my house that we poured so many hours of blood sweat and tears into. But I am excited for the change, for this new season that is opening up before us. I'm kind of digging the idea of seeing Jon in a suit and tie every day as well, there's just something about that look....eh hem....ok back to the blog.

Oh, and the other question I get asked all the time is, how do the boys feel about this? Well, they are not super excited and they are bummed to say goodbye to the life they have here. Which tells me we did a good job of building something good for them. And, that also tells me that we can do it again in a new place. I keep encouraging them to be hopeful for the future. There are good things ahead of us. Yes, it is difficult to say goodbye to the things you love. But change can be really good, and this could be an amazing adventure for our family. So, they are accepting the idea more and more everyday.

That is the update on our lives and what is coming for us in the near future. We close on our house end of the month and plan to be packed up and on the road by Oct. 29th. We appreciate your support for us, and we'll keep you updated as much as we can!

Why You Should Care About Sex Trafficking in AMERICA

The other day my best friend met someone who was creating a documentary on sex trafficking in America. She sent me the link to that documentary. Today I clicked on that link and now it looks like I have another reason to fight for justice (as if I needed another battle!).

Their story: In 2007, a group of students embarked on a journey through 20+ nations on every inhabitable continent, motivated by their love for photography and their passion for justice. At the outset, their experiences seemed diverse, even random. However, a common thread of human suffering would soon emerge as their travels exposed them to a dark, seldom discussed side of humanity-- children being bought and sold to satisfy the sexual pleasures of other humans.

As I scrolled through the different webisodes I became glued to the screen. I was definitely aware of the problem in this nation and other nations, but their work is superb and their perspective is fascinating. They are taking people behind the scenes of the porn industry, the prostitution industry, and the modern day slavery operations. It's real, it's raw, it's eye opening and it will be a phenomenal documentary.

This is going to be a trend in our country. There is a "transfer of influence" coming to this nation. The young people are rising up and finding their voices, and they are using their gifts and talents to expose corruption and atrocities. People will listen to them, and they will change our culture.

It seems like recently all I can really watch and focus on are documentaries. Documentaries are really the next "big thing." The power will no longer belong to deceitful politicians that make empty promises. The slanted news networks and journalists no longer hold the power. Religious figures out to make a buck have lost their appeal, and Hollywood's sad attempt at getting people immersed in fantasy has lost it's luster as well. All people are craving now days is what's REAL. REAL information, unbiased information, real stories, real problems and real solutions. People want justice. And justice they shall have!

I want to end with the webisode that impacted me the most. I encourage you to check out the website and watch them all, but this one was by far my favorite:

That man's poetry is powerful. Some lines that are burned on my heart were;

"I witnessed images I didn’t have a right to and I can’t erase my memory,

So I have to write you and apologize for taking something that

I paid for a price but no matter how high shoulda never been mine.

...I’m sorry, and that’s all I can say

But I promise when I raise a son I’ll raise him to respect you

Sisters and mothers I’m sorry

Husbands sons and brothers please pick up your bats

Because the women of this world are waiting for us to step up!"

The website is http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com - check it out!