Some of What I’ve Learned in 35 Years (in no particular order)

1. Beauty is WAY overrated. It’s not something you earned, or fought for, or discovered or created. How I wish our culture did not put so much emphasis on a random biological process that none of us have any control over.

2. (on that same note) The 400 lb woman thinks the 200 lb woman is lucky and has nothing to complain about. The 200 lb woman looks at the 150 lb woman and thinks she is beautiful and wishes she could be her. The 150 lb woman looks at the 120 lb woman and thinks she is perfect. The 120 lb woman sees nothing but flaws when she looks in the mirror. It's madness I tell you!!!!!!!!!!

3. Life is simply too short to exercise more than 40 minutes a day (unless you’re on the show The Biggest Loser).

4. Eating healthy as a lifestyle is the way to go, but I will always make room in my diet for the naughty things! Bacon, candy corn, fried cheese curds, mini donuts, yeah you guys will always have a special place in my heart.

5. Marriage is one of the hardest and one of the most rewarding things in life you will ever experience. When you find someone who will be your greatest advocate in the world, and you are his, that my friends is worth any fight, any drama, any sleepless night and all the work it takes to get there.

6. You can never take back something you said. But, if you don’t take risks and say some things that are on your mind and make some mistakes, you never learn which things are important to say out-loud, and which things you should just keep to yourself.

7. I believe in living with some regret, but only if regret can be the catalyst you need to change, do better, be better, grow and clean up your messes.

8. There are a rare few that will be in your life forever. For all the rest of the people that come and go, hurt you, make you smile, make you laugh, break your heart, its all a part of the process. Embrace it all because without the negative experiences, we really would not be able to truly value the positive ones.

9. Take the time to interview the older people in your life. Ask them; what was a waste of time? what did they wish they would have done more of? what were their victories and what were their failures? Learn from it. I once heard someone say write your ideal obituary, and then work backwards from it. Don’t be a passive human being. Live intentionally! Happen to your life, don’t let life just happen to you.

10. Whether you feel like a creative person or not, we are all born with a form of art that we are to present to the world. Each one of us carries inside the ability to do something unique and special that no one else in the world can do like we can. What is your art that the world is waiting for?

11. Pay attention to the movies, the commercials, the poems, the books, the greeting cards and the quotes that make you tear up, they will lead you in the direction of your destiny.

12. Every morning when you wake up and have your coffee or your tea, think about how the grass is plenty green on your side. A thankful heart cannot be a depressed, discouraged or sad heart.

13. Today, a real woman is powerful. She may have been born with a loud, strong personality, or a quiet, shy personality. Either way she should own that and be true to herself. She may have been born with a lean athletic build and gorgeous eyes, or a short frame with freckles and beautiful teeth. Either way, she should own that too and be proud. A real woman today might be president of a nation, or a stay-at-home mom. The point is that now she has a choice. This woman isn’t yet modeled in media or advertising as much as we would like, but she is all around you. She’s at the grocery store, she’s your neighbor, she’s your sister, she’s your classmate, she’s your boss. It’s our responsibility to make sure this is the model we are teaching our little girls from here on out.

14. People with secrets never have true peace. It’s so much better to get your failures out in the open, talk about them in your words, from your perspective. No secrets = freedom. Freedom = the ability to love openly and live powerfully.

15. Choose your battles wisely. Some things are worth fighting to the death, and some things are not your problem.

16. Never work harder on someone else’s problems than they are willing to work on themselves.

17. Watch more funny movies, you tube videos and read more far side books. Life is too short to not spend at least 50% of it laughing! And if you’re husband is funny, that’s a bonus!

18. When life presents extraordinarily difficult circumstances – fight back with extraordinary gestures of courage and strength!

19. The quickest path to self-deception is when we ignore the still small voice.

20. It will never be about what you did, how much you made, how well you did in a career. It will always be about who you loved, how well you loved, and who loved you. Period.

Building a Solid Inner Circle

I used to believe that certain people just had a "right" to be in my inner circle. Like, the fact that I've known them for 20 years, or the fact that they were my parents, or my siblings, or grandparents (and the list goes on). But over time I realized that family means so much more than just sharing a last name or the same DNA. And just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean they are healthy. It was probably in my late twenties I realized I have a choice on the matter. I decide who I want in my inner circle, and here are my guidelines for that position:

1. Can I share my dreams with you?

2. Can I share my victories and my failures with you?

3. Do you work as hard at being healthy as I do?

4. Do we share similar basic core values?

5. Do you have depth to you or do you live at the surface?

6. Are you trustworthy?

7. Can we run together or is one of us always running ahead of the other one?

8. Do you believe the best about me, even when everyone else doesn't?

9. Do you have permission to change my mind, and do I have permission to change yours?

10. Would you fly across the country tomorrow to help me if I needed it?

Sometimes you may only find one other person that really qualifies for that inner circle position. I can't imagine having more than 10 that would. This is an elite group of special people in your life. This is your core group. You can trust them with your life, and they can trust you with theirs. And every once in a while, your inner circle group may change. For example, the inner circle you build during your college years may need to be updated in your 30's. Sometimes there is a natural separation that happens due to life circumstances. And sometimes people start out safe, and then just drop the ball later on - it's sad, but it happens.

The most important thing to remember in building a solid inner circle is no one has an automatic right to be there, it is a position earned by someone who can carry your heart well. The choice is yours, choose wisely!

MARRIAGE CHALLENGE: Working to Understand Each Other Instead of Changing Each Other

I had a vivid dream last night about a young married couple I know. Basically, they were struggling with something I would say was a very common problem in relationship. The wife is a go-getter, capable in many ways. She is focused, organized and lives life fully. The husband is fun loving, out-going, always makes you laugh and is the life of the party. He is also responsible, but maybe not as driven as the wife. In the dream, they were beginning to get very disconnected because all his charm was now annoying her. She couldn't laugh with him anymore because her needs of being taken care of were not being met. She was starting to feel like the mom in the relationship, instead of the lover. He was beginning to feel resentful that he couldn't be himself anymore. It was like all of a sudden she wanted him to change personalities. Also, his parents were beginning to feel like the wife was trying to change their son, and they didn't like it one bit. They were feeling protective over him and they were accusing her of being controlling and bossy.

When I woke up I thought "what would I say to them if they were sitting here having coffee with me this morning?" And that's when I decided to write a blog to address this issue as I feel it is something that so many people struggle with.

When the honeymoon stage wears off, we suddenly realize that the thing that attracted us to our spouse to begin with is now scaring us. His fun loving ways now feel childish. You begin to wonder if he can ever take anything seriously? Why can't he keep a budget? Why can't he be on time? Why can't he grow up and drive this ship with me instead of me having to come behind him and constantly clean up his messes?

He's thinking why can't she be spontaneous? Why so serious all the time? All those things that irritate her are not a big deal. Let's save the nit-picking for things that really matter in life. I'm faithful, I'm a good guy, why can't I earn her respect? Why do I always feel like I'm in trouble?

They are both right, and they are both wrong. Bottom line for her is she needs to feel safe. She needs to know her husband is capable of leading. She needs to know that if she disappeared for a week, the house and finances would not crumble to the ground. She needs to feel like she can lean on him. And when those needs are met, she loves nothing more than to kick back and laugh and have fun with him. That is what drew her to him to begin with. She actually doesn't want to change his personality, she just wants her needs met. She needs to learn how to communicate need instead of lashing out in anger or communicating constant frustration. Here is a good tool to keep in mind when communicating a need:

Right way: "I need to feel __________."

Wrong way: "I need you to __________."

When you communicate what you need to feel, you are believing that he is capable of creating a game-plan on his own, which creates a culture of freedom. But when you tell him what you need him to do, it feels like orders, which creates a culture of control.

For a man the best response when you hear what your wife needs to feel, is to embrace her and tell her that you hear her, and you will do your best to meet that need. And then if you really don't know how to go about that, here are some good questions to ask her:

1. When I have not made you feel that way?

2. Can you think of things I've done in the past that have made you feel that way?

If you still need help in figuring out how to form a plan - call in reinforcements! Do you have sisters? Do you have older couples in your life? Do you have a pastor, counselor or buddy who seems to know what he's doing with his wife? Ask more questions until you get it right. Your effort alone will mean worlds to her and you might just get those needs met along the way.

Ladies, the best way to get a man to rescue you is to be a princess in need of rescue. One of my favorite blogs on this topic is "Princes Don't Rescue Dragons." If you want him to move towards you, you can't breathe fire! Often times we skip fear and worry and move straight into anger. Speak up before you become the fire breathing dragon. Learn how to be vulnerable and communicate need instead of demands. And do your best to stay out of the parenting role. You may think you have no choice, but the more weight you carry the less he has to do. Keep putting weight on him, he can handle it. He may not get it done the way you want, but he can get it done. Take a chance and loosen the reigns, this is a partnership not a dictatorship. You can either fight to get it done your way, or you can fight for a marriage, which do you choose?

I hope you gained some insight from reading this, and I'd love to hear your successes if you've tried some of these suggestions and they worked to get you connected again.

Passive Women & Pushy Men

My all time most popular blog was Passive Men & Pushy Women. Because there was so much interest in that scenario, I decided to flip it around and address the other side. Here we go...

PUSHY MEN

I'd like to start with the strengths of a pushy/aggressive/ambitious man. He is a true leader, he doesn't take no for an answer. He is strong, he is powerful, and he demands respect. He is a producer, he can get results. You know he will get the job done. These are the CEO's of the world, the presidents, the leaders, the conquerers the pioneers and the winners. But along with that big personality can come some pretty big constraints.

Because a pushy man finds so much identity in achievement and success (and in being right), he will often leave relationships in the dust in order to pursue the next big thing. He most often chooses a nurturing, quiet, solid and steady woman as his helpmate because she is everything he is not. Early in the relationship she will try to set boundaries with him, and he will squash her efforts - which later on down the road will cause a painful amount of disconnection and disrespect. He is often critical of his spouse, children and friends. No one ever feels good enough around him because bottom line is nothing ever is good enough (in his eyes). A pursuit of excellence becomes a perfectionistic rigid way of life. His high standards leave him alienated and isolated. Pushy men will protect ideas instead of people. In many environments they are the predator and they hurt those around them often. They are obsessive about details which makes them good at their job, but a lousy family man. Often times he thinks that everyone in his family is thriving because no one ever confronts him. But what is really going on is people in his family are dying and they are retreating to silence. They have just given up hope that he will ever change and they have accepted the fact that he just can't hear the truth. Also, you simply don't want to argue with a pushy man. He will turn it around on you so fast that you end up apologizing to him for something he did wrong. Living with a pushy man is one big double standard. He can always do it (whatever "it" is), but you can't.

PASSIVE WOMEN

Ladies, I'm not going to let you off the hook even though you're in a tough position. Here's the thing about living with a pushy man. He acts that way, because you let him. Early on in the relationship he communicated to you that his needs were more important, and you believed him. It is in your nature to give and not ask much in return. But in doing so you have created a monster. I can't tell you how many women I know who ended up in a relationship like this only to find out 10 years down the road (when she finally explodes like a volcano) that she really did have a voice all along. And the moment she actually set a real boundary, that pushy man responded in love and respect. See, he is strong, and he will run you over if you let him. But what he really wants is for you to be strong too. He may fight it at first, but he will respect your strength. In fact, it will inspire him, intrigue him, bring him in closer. Because you are such a supportive personality you are a safe person when it comes to confrontation and boundaries. You can do "tough love" better than any other personality. You have an emotional compass inside of you. You know when things aren't fair, when he's pushed it too far, when he is out of line, and when he is out of control. But for so long you have ignored it, and some of you have defended it, even made excuses for it. "He works so hard, he has all these problems, I don't want to add to them." I've heard them all. So do you want to enable him, and lose any hope for real connection in marriage, or do you want to do the healthy thing, and teach him how to treat you well? Dr. Phil always says "you teach people how to treat you." I'm a firm believer in this.

Ladies, don't be the martyr. Don't be the victim. You may not carry the same drive he does in life, but if you don't develop the strong side of your personality you'll never see the results you want. A pushy man wants a safe, nurturing woman but he also wants a powerful helpmate that will run with him, at his pace.

Over the years you may feel like too much damage has been done. Some of the cuts may be too deep. But with the help of a counselor, you can heal. Your marriage can heal. You can develop the strength you need. You may need the help of a strong coach in the beginning who will pull your pushy man aside and say "hey, NOT OKAY!" Don't be afraid to pull in help in the beginning.

And my closing thoughts to a pushy man - you can be "right", or you can find love. Which do you choose? Which one will you find more rewarding in the end? You have the tendency to get out of control real fast. Will you have to lose everything before you learn how to develop your constraints? Or will you learn to value other people, and believe that they are just as important as you are? Your identity needs to be in what you bring to others, not what you can take or conquer. You were born strong, but not so that you could run all over people, it was so you could bring protection to the world. The world needs your strength, but in your strength you're called to serve, not dominate.

And for both men and women, no matter what your personality is, no matter your age or you circumstances please don't ever stay in a dangerous, abusive relationship. Get out, get help, and know that there is hope!

Some DOs and DONTs in Marriage

Today I'm just speaking from the heart. Jon and I have been coaching some couples lately and also hearing stories of marriages that seem to be crumbling as we speak. I'm not an expert, I'm just a woman who has been pursuing deep connection with a man for the past 11 years. And here are some things I've learned and observed along the way.

1. A good marriage is possible for anyone who is willing to work for it. I believe it's harder and more painful to not work for connection. People are always looking for an easy button, but the truth is short cuts and complacency often bring torment into one's life. It's easier to move towards each other than away from each other.

2. Stay connected to what made you attractive in the first place. Ladies - don't get frumpy!!!! I understand that life can get overwhelming and we all deserve days without makeup and high heels. A good man will love you through many different stages in life. But it is your responsibility to inspire your man with your beauty. Keep things exciting, reinvent yourself, put effort into being beautiful - inside and out! Guys - don't stop chasing your lady! You're a hunter at heart. If you become a bump on a log you are shooting yourself in the foot. Watch a few Brad Pitt movies to jump start some passion. That guy knows how to get a woman's heart beating! And, if you're already on that side of the spectrum - learn loyalty. Affairs and flirting may seem exciting. But long lasting covenant love is the stuff that truly satisfies.

3. Don't make the kids the center of your world. How many people have done that, and when the last one leaves the house the marriage is null and void? Your kids need you to be connected. They need to know that they have a solid anchor to settle into. They need a model of love that they can take into adulthood. Kids also need to know the world does not revolve around them alone, that is not setting them up for reality. Kids will feel more secure and happy if Mom and Dad are connected.

4. Create a culture of respect in your home. Last time I checked, sarcasm and disrespect were not on the list of aphrodisiacs recommended by sex experts. It should be you and him against the world, not you and him against each other. Fight for that! Don't let resentment and frustration and misunderstanding drive a wedge between you and the one you're meant to do life with.

5. Nostalgia can stir the embers of passion. One thing that always helped Jon and I during the "rocky" years of disconnection was to sit down and talk about what made us fall in love in the beginning. It's important to talk about those things often. It's important to remember what brought you together.

6. Learn each other's love languages. This is a great website and a great book to read: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

7. Don't take your spouse for granted. There are broken people out there roaming to and fro, waiting to steal your spouse from you and prey on your marriage. You need a plan to make each other feel safe. Talk about your concerns, set boundaries with people who have the wrong intentions. The number one problem I see in this area is a "nice" husband who thinks he is just trying to help another woman, and then it comes back to bite him in the you-know-what. Husbands listen to your wives warnings. We have a 6th sense about women who are predators. The other problem I see running rampant is when you work too closely with someone of the opposite sex. I've said this before in previous blogs, under no circumstances do I think it's wisdom to spend that much alone time with a member of the opposite sex that is not your spouse. Men - hire male assistants. Women - hire female assistants. Why risk your marriage for something that is so simple to avoid?

8. Find things to do together. Have date nights. What you protect and invest in will flourish.

9. Bring in people who have a good connection, and ask them some dang questions for Pete's sake! A little humility will go a long way when it comes to learning about relationship. I know men who will spend hours studying for fantasy football, or hunting, or fishing, or some other hobby. But how many will pick up a book on relationships? How many will study their wife with the same intent? You find a man who will do that, you find a very happy marriage. Ladies, bring some intrigue to the table. Be an interesting subject to study.

10. And lastly, do something. Move one foot in front of the other, baby steps! There is always something you can do to cultivate an atmosphere of love and trust. Some have a lot more work to do than others but it is so worth it.

What is Your Unique Factor?

Before we can identify your Unique Factor*, we first have to define it.

A Unique Factor is, simply put, the thing that you do better than anyone else around you, and therefore makes you unique. Your Unique Factor (from here on out referred to as UF) should energize you and those around you. You will have lots of opportunities to practice your UF because people like to make room for you and give you a platform for your UF. Over time, you have the authority to lead in your UF and teach others in your UF.

Your UF is so close to you and familiar to you that you may not be able to appreciate it or even identify it by yourself. A great way to find your UF is to ask three of your closest friends or relatives to write three sentences about what makes you unique. What do you bring to the table that no one else does, or what do you do better than anyone around you? Once you have received all 9 sentences, you should see a common theme emerge. If you don't, it's ok, I still have other ways to help you find it!

For some a UF emerges by the time they are 4 years old. Justin Bieber would be a great example of this. I saw his movie "Never Say Never" and it was clear by his home videos that at a very young age, that boy knew he was born to make music, and to sing his heart out. If you read the book Outliers (by Malcolm Gladwell), you'll read story after story of people who ended up being highly successful in life, literally investing 10,000 or more hours into perfecting their UF. And many of them started investing those hours at a very young age.

However there are some of us that take a little longer to identify our UF. I'm in my mid-thirties now and I feel like I'm really just beginning to understand and define what I was born to do, and what makes me unique. I think some people know at a younger age because they have to start pursuing it sooner, and some people can develop it over time, even into their 50's and 60's and beyond! And let me add here that while your UF remains uniform through out your life, the way you manifest it can change from decade to decade. For example, if your UF is that you are a builder, at the earliest stage it may look like a toddler who's obsessed with legos. Then it may develop in your 20's as a career of building houses. Later, in your 30's and 40's it may change into you building systems that will transform your city. So at the core of who you are, you were born to build. But how and what you build may change through-out your lifetime.

There are so many personality tests out there to help us identify our UF. In many of them they even match you up with careers and hobbies, mates and parenting styles. Here are some of my favorites: (all of them are free and safe to sign up for)

http://www.disc-personality-testing.com/test/index.html

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Also, the book "Strength Finders" is very helpful in determining your UF.

Here are some questions I've learned to ask people along the way that helped point them to their UF;

1. What are the desires of your heart?

2. What things inspire you and move you to tears?

3. Who are your heroes?

4. What are your dreams?

5. Where do you have favor?

Now, if you are still having a hard time identifying your UF, I'd like to give you a possible reason why. A great number of people are born to play more of a supportive role in life. They don't have a strong passion or talent because they were born to help someone else's dreams come true. If this is you, in no way should you feel inferior or less than. Your role is just as crucial as the one who has the dream or the strong UF. For example, who would Oprah be without all those people serving her vision? Who would Steve Jobs be without the people serving his vision? Those who were born to support and serve are crucial to the process. Visionaries would never see their dreams materialized if it weren't for this amazing group of people.

As I begin to wrap things up, I want to talk about people who have spent time pursuing the wrong dreams, or the wrong UF. It can happen to anyone, and the reasons are numerous. It can be as simple as "I studied elementary education but now I feel called to high school students." Or, it can be as devastating as some of the catastrophes we see on the American Idol auditions. Some of those people are not only on the wrong track, they are terrible at what they are attempting to do better than anyone else. However people get off track, I feel the best way to protect yourself and stay true to your real purpose in life, is to surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth, to maintain a teachable heart, and to know thyself. Because you will not be great if you are pursuing the wrong dream or the wrong UF, but you will always be great if you can line up with your God-given destiny, the thing that you were created to do on this earth.

Lastly, I want to leave you with some examples of UF's other people have identified in their own life:

• the ability to live extremely frugally and stretch a penny for all it's worth
• the ability to preserve memories thru scrapbooking, video and photos and/or journaling
• the ability to see patterns in mathematics that no one else sees
• the ability to read people and have the answers they need for life's problems
• the ability to know things that no one else can sense (sometimes people call this a 6th sense)
• the ability to cheer people up no matter what they are facing
• the ability to reach youth and communicate with them in a way that transforms them
• the ability to write and inspire people with your written words
• the ability to wait things out longer than anyone else, (endurance) therefore enabling you to get what everyone else gave up on
• the ability to make people feel welcome in your home (hospitality)

And the list goes on, I hope these gave you an idea of what a UF can look like!

*The concept of the Unique Factor originated from a favorite teacher of mine, Lance Wallnau. Over time I have taught it and developed my own ideas to go along with his.

Beauty Blog #1 - I Promise To....

I just finished watching “America The Beautiful”, a documentary about America’s obsession with outer beauty. There wasn’t much that surprised me. I already knew things were bad. But it did inspire me to write.

I’ve written before about the myth of beauty, and the dysfunction of unrealistic beauty (photoshop-ing, airbrushing etc.). I think this time I really just want to talk about how we can change it within our own lives. I always considered myself to have a healthy self-esteem. But when I read a book recently called “God Loves Ugly, & love makes beautiful”* written by my friend Christa Black, I realized that I still have a lot of negative self-talk and negative energy surrounding the topic of my body. And now after having four children, it’s on my mind even more when I see my stretch marks and the scars of going through those pregnancies. So if I, who considered myself to pretty much like my body just fine, realized how much I still struggle….it got me thinking about those out there who have extremely low self-esteem, or worse, self-hatred.

Don’t get me wrong ladies. I know we all want to be beautiful. We like our fake nails, our colored hair, our MAC makeup, or a nice tan every now and then. Some of us have a few pounds we want to lose or 100 pounds we want to lose. Some of us have some cosmetic surgery we hope to get or some work with the orthodontist or the dermatologist. I understand that we all enjoy enhancing ourselves. And I’m not against any of those desires if they stem from a healthy place of “I love myself.”

What frustrates me so much about our culture is that the definition of beauty is so narrow and so unrealistic that it causes many women to have self-destructive behaviors. Listen to this short excerpt summarized by me from the documentary mentioned earlier: Prior to 1995 the country of Figi had not been exposed to television. Their body image was opposite of ours here in America. To have a larger body, and to have some significant size was a symbol of prosperity. It meant that your tribe was able to feed you well. Before exposing them to television, the young women of Figi were interviewed to find out how many of them had used vomiting as a form of controlling their weight, and none of them had admitted to such behavior. In 1998 after 3 years of exposure to television, that number rose from 0 to 11%. 11% is comparable to any high school here in America….shocking.

Also in the documentary, 3 minutes of looking at a fashion magazine makes 70% of women of all ages feel depressed, guilty and shameful. I can attest to that! Thankfully I have never purchased subscriptions to these magazines and therefore paid them money to make me feel depressed!

I think we’ve been fed lies for such a long time that we don’t know the truth anymore. One answer I propose for this problem is to promise something every week. The challenge is to choose something that bothers you, and vow to change your mind until your negative emotions change to positive emotions. So, here is my promise this week; “I promise from here on out, whenever I look at my stretch marks, to think fondly of each one of my children and a special memory I have of their birth.” (and nothing else, no negative thoughts!!!!) I’m going to practice thinking those thoughts until it becomes as natural as breathing. I hope you join me!! I would love to hear your promise in the comment section of this blog!

*I highly recommend this heartfelt book by my friend. Check out the reviews on amazon.com and order it, you won’t be disappointed!

http://christablack.com/

http://www.amazon.com/God-Loves-Ugly-Christa-Black/dp/0615416403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301964263&sr=8-1